Stories & experiences

Julyrose1
4
Stories
19/04/2020
Joined

Relapse :( feeling angry and demotivated

Posted in Staying quit 28 Sep 2020
18 Comments

I am so sad to say that it's been a minute since I have been on here....I have felt too bad to even look up the site. I had succeeded in quitting for almost 2 months without a single smoke, even managing to stay quit after the sudden passing of my father-in-law in May not long after my quit journey started. Unfortunately, I received more bad news in July after finding out that one of my uncles who I am close to has been diagnosed with bowel cancer, and have been finding it difficult to deal with life in the pandemic, not being able to visit friends and family as normal and dealing with other strains and supporting by long term partner after his father's death. I think I became complacent and believed that I had quit for good and stopped the self care and good habits I had been growing to replace my nicotine addiction. As things started to slide and I felt more depressed and demotivated I began to back slide. First stealing a smoke from my partner in a stressful moment and kidding myself that it was just one, then just one in the evening after work and now.....you guessed it I am pretty much back to square one :( So angry with myself and also shocked at just how quickly the addiction can grip you again if you give it half a chance. I suppose I am sharing this as I try to get my head straight to tackle this again and try to regain the ground that I have lost...but also as a warning to others. Once you have quit DO NOT SMOKE EVER, even one puff is a risk and trust me the voices in your head may try to tell you that you are in control and it'll just be one or one here and there but it's never just one. Learn from my mistake, cos I sure hope I can! Gona try and stay positive, re-engage with the behaviours that got me quit in the first place and try and keep up the self care and work to turning this around. Wish me luck!

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18 Comments

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  • Jill67 September 28, 2020 | 4:08
    Hi Julyrose1,

    I have been stalking this site myself for a month or two and your story inspired me to show up again, so thank you! I too lost my quit after 6 months of cold turkey, so I feel where you’re coming from. I too got complacent and stopped my self care and sure as anything, my addiction won. When I look back on my attempt, I have learned things that matter, and hopefully, it will help you. My quit date is set for tomorrow, Monday in the US, and I am ready. While losing a quit is disappointing, take what you can that is good, and use it as body armor for the next go round. We can persevere and win!
    What I learned...
    I am lovable and a good person, regardless if I lost my quit.
    I am a winner as long as I don’t stop trying.
    I am an addict, and must put my quit first, no matter what.
    I cannot afford to be complacent, no matter how long I am free.
    I cannot afford to feel resentful or depressed that I can’t smoke, which I did do some of, last time.
    I need to visualize being a non smoker and know it’s there for me as well.
    Your quit was not for nothing. There were many days you remained smoke free, and your body thanks you!
    I am happy to be your quit buddy and support if you would like.
    If someone else can be a non smoker, then it’s there for us as well, so don’t ever stop believing in yourself!!!
    I hope some of this resonates. You wouldn’t beat your friend up for losing their quit, so be your own best friend!
  • Safe2017 September 28, 2020 | 5:16
    I understand what you are going through. It’s morally and physically tough. However, most of ex smokers had a slip or two before finally giving up this addiction for good. Happened to me twice prior to my third and final quit. Live and learn. During your next Quit practice NOPE - not one puff ever. Good luck
  • softly40, Mid North Coast September 28, 2020 | 8:15
    Hi Julyrose, no need to beat yourself up anymore, we are all here for you and some of us who have read your post know exactly how you are feeling. It is a good idea to come back and post your relapses etc., this way at the very least you will be helping another person who has been through this scenario.

    Just get back up on your horse and start again, if it was just a few days then count the days beforehand into your quit, if it was over one week or more then it is best to learn from your mistakes and start counting again. Complacency on our part during any stressful life event is really just an excuse to smoke, you; me; and others now know the hold that that Nicotine Monster has a hold on us. NOPE ( not one puff ever) to be practiced minute, hourly, daily and continue on with NOPE daily. Good Luck Julyrose
  • Happiness September 28, 2020 | 8:29
    Many have experienced setbacks such as you. Some continue on without missing a beat and others need to regroup themselves. You can quit smoking, just use the knowledge you gained and apply it. Think positive and you will do it.
  • jessfreeof, Northern NSW September 28, 2020 | 9:10
    Hello Julyrose1 I love your name I only met another julyrose a few months back different spelling but same name. Thank you for your comment on one of my previous posts I think we may have some similarities. Good on you for reaching out and not giving up on becoming a non smoker. I personally find I need others to remain a non smoker I can not do it alone. I have found everyone on here to be so helpful, encouraging, supportive, wise, and inspirational. And all I need do is keep coming on here no matter what. I be honest with my slips and setbacks because I know there are folks on here who know where to find the gold (how to remain a non smoker) and they are more than happy to give us the directions that enable us to follow their path and become non smokers and most importantly remain non smokers. I am sorry to hear you have been touched by great sadness, death and isolation in your life this year It sounds like it has been a very difficult year for you and your families. It now sounds like its time for Julyrose to give Julyrose what she needs. Good on you Julyrose that takes courage. My journey has been long and started way before me becoming a non smoker. Self love and self care has had to be my number ONE priority, nothing absolutely nothing and no one comes before it. I'm not always perfect at it but I keep going at it as I'm a work in progress and its progress not perfection. My dear friend showed me a mantra and I say it over and over again, I am enough I have enough I do enough. I have had to meet myself where I'm at and progress from there with love and compassion for myself. I put the whip away and stopped trying to flog myself into perfection it only took me fifty years to realize the insanity of it (nothing slow about me) I know pour self love and self care into myself and it has made all the difference to me my life and those around me. For me to become a non smoker I had to start with self love and self care and part of that was continually asking my self what I needed in this moment to best look after myself physically, mentally and spiritually and recognizing when I was self sabotaging. I can fall into being judgmental, self righteous and take comfort in self-pity which spiral me down fairly quickly so I am learning to be very vigilant and watch for any signs of these in my character and correct them moment I spot them in myself. I have had to treat my whole self not just part of. I can not recommend this community highly enough I know I couldn't of come this far without them. Here are some tips on what else is in my tool box the first two are from others on this site... Google Nasia Dovos How to be a happy Non smoker and watch it, Allen Carr book The easy way to stop smoking, One of my favorites is google How can I quit smoking by Sadhguru Answers and watch it, Sarah blondin meditations these ones are between 5-10 minutes some of my favs are The call of your soul, surrender, and harmony. For me a very crucial part in remaining a nonsmoker is to reach out and help others where I can I guess thats passing on what others have passed to me. There is such a wide variety of help here from those you will walk the path with you and those who have travelled it and are kind and generous enough to give of their time and guide us on how to achieve what they have. All the best to you Julyrose and may we continue to smell and pick some flowers on this magical path. xo
  • jessfreeof, Northern NSW September 28, 2020 | 9:12
    softly40 says it beautifully Nope not one puff ever
  • Donga17 September 28, 2020 | 10:16





    Hi Julierose1


    I feel your pain and also your frustration. It’s only been 8 days for me and as sad as I am for you, it was good for me to read your story. I am trying so hard to stay strong and positive and today I’m struggling. But this has given me more strength and courage. Don’t give up hun. You got so far and you can do it again. Stay strong. I hope you have good support.
  • Robn September 28, 2020 | 13:40
    Hi JukyRose, life is tough but you are tougher. Bad stuff and good stuff is what life will always give us. A cigarette does not alter that.
    Keep going and do it for you, no one else. This is your time to make your life a heck of a lot better. Every time you think you want a smoke...ask yourself what that smoke will do to change your circumstances at that time or any other time. The truth is it won’t change anything except to make you feel angry and down in yourself for having it. You can and will do this, embrace the quit, be really happy about it and look forward to everyday that brings more benefits. ..... and you closer to your goal.
  • Robn September 28, 2020 | 13:40
    Hi JukyRose, life is tough but you are tougher. Bad stuff and good stuff is what life will always give us. A cigarette does not alter that.
    Keep going and do it for you, no one else. This is your time to make your life a heck of a lot better. Every time you think you want a smoke...ask yourself what that smoke will do to change your circumstances at that time or any other time. The truth is it won’t change anything except to make you feel angry and down in yourself for having it. You can and will do this, embrace the quit, be really happy about it and look forward to everyday that brings more benefits. ..... and you closer to your goal.
  • Gemma23 September 28, 2020 | 14:06
    Julyrose so sorry to hear you have had such a hard year by the sounds of it.
    You are going great just keep up the mindset of been a non smoker.
    I have also had not a great year with my health but I did not make an excuse.to light up a horribly smelly ciggerate through all my sickness.
    I did though have a slip up almost 2 weeks again with a few smokes and I don't really no why I did so.
    But I felt horrible after it very angry and disappointed with myself.
    But I did not let it drag me right back to square 1. I picked myself up dusted off them few smokes and carried on counting my days I am almost at 4 months smoke free now and i am a non smoker.
    It's not worth to go back to been a smoker we don't gain anything from smoking. It robs us of our qualities of life.
    You can do just be positive and think of all the great gains of been a non smoker. 💃💃😊😊
  • matik_one September 29, 2020 | 5:44
    Sorry to hear that.. but glad that we have chance to hear that.. you found out courage to share with us your lesson.. that means just one thing - you want to quit smoking.. You probably don't know how you helped to many of us by this post.. we can take lots of this story.. I personally take that don't stop the self care and good habits I had been growing to replace my nicotine addiction. I nearly forgot it and almost paid for it.. thank you for help..
  • Happiness September 29, 2020 | 6:21
    If you click on Happiness above you will find my stories and one with the link to Allen Carr. Understand you and nicotine. Half way there.
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  • Julyrose1 October 05, 2020 | 1:05
    Thank you so much to all of you for being so understanding and positive, it honestly means so much. I am so delighted to hear that sharing my experience might have been beneficial for some others who are struggling with this horrid beast of nicotine addiction. Just reading through all the comments has really helped solidify my resolve to get working on it, keep up the self care and try to get back to where I was. A part of me was terrified that I wouldn't be able to do it a second time but reading the comments and seeing that others have been there and have managed to do it is just so inspiring. Thank you all again for taking the time to comment, it really means so much to me and has brightened my day - I feel stronger already :)

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