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The last two days have been pretty horrible.
I logged on here yesterday and was going to write about my body screaming for nicotine but as I wrote, I wondered...is that REALLY the problem?
It dawned on me that I have never handled any situation in my adult life (good or bad) without cigarettes. Does that mean my capacity to control myself emotionally is still at a 15 year old's stage of development?
Smoking has always allowed me to 'step outside' for ten minutes when things aren't going the way I want them to. Whether it was a work problem, a bereavement, a relationship break-up - whatever bad news was delivered, my response was to "go for a cigarette" and suck down all the legal pain relief that nicotine had to offer before I responded.
Did you know that nicotine is stronger than morphine?
So it stands to reason that my emotional sensations are going to feel more...acute.
Can you imagine going to the dentist and him saying "Ooookay then - I've looked on your notes and you've had several fillings and root canals before so you know the ropes...let's give this one a go WITHOUT the injection, shall we?"
Life without smoking has more to it than just reaping the extensive health and financial benefits as you continue to abstain. Without the pain relief, everything feels sharper, brighter...it's like buying a new, state of the art TV and realising just how blurred and fuzzy you were seeing things before.
Becoming a non-smoker gives you absolute clarity. But we need to be prepared to deal with not liking what we see...and the life changes that might follow.
So, the last two days have been pretty unpleasant. Small frustrations have had me throwing toddler tantrums and getting near to tears. No, I haven't succumbed to a puff (which I'm proud of) but not being able to handle things in my usual calm way...flying off the handle and tearing my hair out? Horrible. I don't feel in control. I don't like my own behaviour. I don't like aspects of my life - and I didn't realise just how much until I stopped smoking.
So, no - I don't think these last two days have been difficult because of withdrawal or cravings. I think there is an adjustment period of getting used to your own emotions. Seeing your life with absolute clarity - perhaps for the first time.
I am sure that stopping smoking will be the catalyst to a series of life changes. If I can do this - I can do anything.
Why did I never believe in myself before?
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