Dear icanquit fellows,
I dont know what to say. While I am typing this, I am in a very negative sad state of mind and really wanted to talk to someone who dont judge me and understand me.
This has nothing to do with my craving or smoking habit because I am cold turkey since 2+ years and though I am going through a lot of mental trauma, i dont really crave. Yes, sometime in the negative state of mind, I imagined myself sharing my griefs with ciggrette but I know thats not the solution.
I thought a lot should I come to this forum and share my situation or not because this is primarily a union of people who are fighting their battle with nicotine in specific but then I realized that this group has supported me in past . Also I am not looking for any counselling but just a place where I pen down all the trauma in my mind.
I dont even know what to write .I am rephrasing my mind again and again because what is want to write is about relationship with my parents which is not in right phase.
Its such a sensitive topic to call out your parents as bully, egoistic , self centered but thats what I feel about my parents and my relation with them right now.
I am having a decent job and doing not that bad if not too great so at least I dont have financial dependency on them but I left my well paid job overseas since last 5 years and took up a job in hometown to stay with parents so that we can all stay together. Money or physical assets were never on my priority list. I always weighed relations more than money but after I stayed with them I realised that both of my parents never liked anything which is against their wish or will. I never cared about it because ultimately they are parents and they have done everything for me to enable with whatever I am but off late when i tried to position my thoughts with them on small small topics, I faced rejection and emotional abuses often including talking bad on my back and sometime I overheard. I broke my heart. All my life i stayed under their aegis but I have my own experience of life and my point of view , even if that is wrong.
I expect in family, we need to agree to disagree to stay and communicate but in our case communication stopped . I tried to patch which was seen as my weakness so I stopped. My parents often talk to my brother and his wife and they all discuss negative about me and my wife. When we walk in a family union , everyone is silent as if they are waiting for us to walk over. Its such a humiliation . I feel very sad and lost for my emotional decision to priortize family over everything. What an emotional fool I am . I have never seen this side of life so its difficult to adjust . Its almost like a rejection without explaining the real reason for the same. I want to move on but with this corona , I dont feel safe to migrate my family so I am somehow trying to wait for appropriate time. Yesterday, I took my daughter and two year old son to nearest park and we had all the sarcastic remarks from my mother about me taking out my kids out while asking them to stay home and keep safe amid corona.
I am mature enough to understand that corona is risky so I am taking utmost precaution my self but kids were kind of locked in home for few months so with proper care and precaution I took them out. The park was all empty except few people here and there. I cannot explain this my parents because all they care is to taunt .
Sometime I feel to be vocal about it but I think there is no benefit of such discussion based on what I hear when they talk about me and my wife at our back.
I just poured out my heart . I know this community will not judge me . I know many will think that there is a reason that my parents are might be behaving that way . I too wanted to know why they are behaving that way but I had no luck. I am sure I am not going to do this to my kids for sure. I think as parents sometime we have to realise that kids often grow old and have their point of view hence we need to atleast hear them out and try to communicate rather than emotionally holding them responsible for being disobedient and talk bad on their back.
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