Stories & experiences

Dontsmoke
16
Stories
22/10/2018
Joined

Not a quit experience but my Lifes Trauma

Posted in Quit experiences 24 Nov 2020
5 Comments

Dear icanquit fellows,

I dont know what to say. While I am typing this, I am in a very negative sad state of mind and really wanted to talk to someone who dont judge me and understand me.

This has nothing to do with my craving or smoking habit because I am cold turkey since 2+ years and though I am going through a lot of mental trauma, i dont really crave. Yes, sometime in the negative state of mind, I imagined myself sharing my griefs with ciggrette but I know thats not the solution.

I thought a lot should I come to this forum and share my situation or not because this is primarily a union of people who are fighting their battle with nicotine in specific but then I realized that this group has supported me in past . Also I am not looking for any counselling but just a place where I pen down all the trauma in my mind.

I dont even know what to write .I am rephrasing my mind again and again because what is want to write is about relationship with my parents which is not in right phase.

Its such a sensitive topic to call out your parents as bully, egoistic , self centered but thats what I feel about my parents and my relation with them right now.

I am having a decent job and doing not that bad if not too great so at least I dont have financial dependency on them but I left my well paid job overseas since last 5 years and took up a job in hometown to stay with parents so that we can all stay together. Money or physical assets were never on my priority list. I always weighed relations more than money but after I stayed with them I realised that both of my parents never liked anything which is against their wish or will. I never cared about it because ultimately they are parents and they have done everything for me to enable with whatever I am but off late when i tried to position my thoughts with them on small small topics, I faced rejection and emotional abuses often including talking bad on my back and sometime I overheard. I broke my heart. All my life i stayed under their aegis but I have my own experience of life and my point of view , even if that is wrong.

I expect in family, we need to agree to disagree to stay and communicate but in our case communication stopped . I tried to patch which was seen as my weakness so I stopped. My parents often talk to my brother and his wife and they all discuss negative about me and my wife. When we walk in a family union , everyone is silent as if they are waiting for us to walk over. Its such a humiliation . I feel very sad and lost for my emotional decision to priortize family over everything. What an emotional fool I am . I have never seen this side of life so its difficult to adjust . Its almost like a rejection without explaining the real reason for the same. I want to move on but with this corona , I dont feel safe to migrate my family so I am somehow trying to wait for appropriate time. Yesterday, I took my daughter and two year old son to nearest park and we had all the sarcastic remarks from my mother about me taking out my kids out while asking them to stay home and keep safe amid corona.

I am mature enough to understand that corona is risky so I am taking utmost precaution my self but kids were kind of locked in home for few months so with proper care and precaution I took them out. The park was all empty except few people here and there. I cannot explain this my parents because all they care is to taunt .

Sometime I feel to be vocal about it but I think there is no benefit of such discussion based on what I hear when they talk about me and my wife at our back.

I just poured out my heart . I know this community will not judge me . I know many will think that there is a reason that my parents are might be behaving that way . I too wanted to know why they are behaving that way but I had no luck. I am sure I am not going to do this to my kids for sure. I think as parents sometime we have to realise that kids often grow old and have their point of view hence we need to atleast hear them out and try to communicate rather than emotionally holding them responsible for being disobedient and talk bad on their back.

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5 Comments

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  • Safe2017 November 24, 2020 | 3:45
    Hi Dontsmoke, Congrats on staying smoke-free despite your emotional rollercoaster. I hear and feel your pain and my sympathy goes out to you. First of all it sounds like you have your own wonderful family, a daughter and two year old son and these are the people you should give all of your love, not to those who drag you down.
    Unfortunately, I had a similar situation as yours with my own sister and until I realized that she was nothing but an emotional drag on me and my family. I shut her out emotionally and haven't had a problem since. I realized that some people are just the way they are and no matter what I do I am not going to change them. Take a step back, save your emotions for those who care and go about your business.
    Good luck, stay positive and smoke free.
    Cheers
  • softly40, Mid North Coast November 24, 2020 | 7:27
    Hi Don't smoke you deserve congratulations on 2half years smoke free well done to you. As to your problem with your parents it might seem as if you will have to look after yourself and your own family first, this is paramount. This would have been going on for a long time I would guess, and there is nothing you can do to change their attitude to you without upsetting yourself.

    Some distance is needed emotionally and physically if you can. You might be able to ask them what good they see in you, to give them the opportunity to respond positively but this needs to be done quietly, not when the moment is emotionally charged. After this then it is up to them, not up to you, to repair any damage done. You cannot keep taking this from anyone especially your parents, it seems as if this has been their past position towards you.

    Whatever happens you are doing the best you can for your own family, and yes you can learn from this towards your own children, give them accolades when they are due immediately children respond so much better when they know they are doing something right. Keep Happy NOPE (not one puff ever)
  • Happiness November 24, 2020 | 8:28
    I am glad you regard this forum as a place to share your thoughts in a time of need. Like people, families are different too. Some are close, some are dysfunctional and others can't even be civil to each other. They are just people, with different experiences. A close friend does and thinks in a certain way and expects everyone else to respond the way she does. She is very needy, and while we have been friends for over 20 years and I am godmother to her kids, I also think she is wrong. I will put in my two cents, but support her decision. Maybe that is because it is her decision and doesn't affect me. I am sure your family wants what is best for you too. I am closer now to my parents as they age, but wanted my independence just as you did in younger years. . They respected that and I try to respect my kids and not give unsolicited advice. Do everything to maintain the family tie,, but you do not need to confide in them. I don't tell them things that they don't need to know. Life is much easier that way. And sometimes ignorance is bliss!

    I still visit my aging parents in their home twenty minutes a day despite the risks. We can only look after ourselves and obey protocols to keep them safe. Wash, wear masks and above all keep the distance. Kids need to be kids, and everyone needs to feel loved.

    You sound like a good provider, loving father and husband. It is funny how even now we still feel like kids around our parents. I guess they still feel like "parents".

    Surely you can create a space, respectfully , without leaving town. Have you told them that you overheard some things which upset you greatly? Discuss this with them. My daughter told me things which I had no idea how she felt or why. I guess I can see both sides now. I did my best. She doesn't see it the same way. I don't have to agree, but I know how she feels....

    I hope you don't feel so alone now. You have our attention. You have a beautiful 2 year old son and a wife to focus your attentions on. Change what you can and surround yourself with positivity. We are not mathematicians and two negatives don't always make a positive in my eyes. You can't please everyone, so please those that matter most.

    Stay smoke free my friend. I am sure things will get better. Think Positive!
  • Robn November 27, 2020 | 11:21
    Hi Dontsmoke, congrats on your quit journey...awesome job.
    You have had some great advice already.
    In a nutshell though...this is your life...live it in a way that makes you happy. Stay close and connected to those who make you feel happy and content. Move away from those who don’t.
    We only get one chance at living our lives....so make it the best you possibly can. Happier days ahead for you.
  • Dontsmoke November 28, 2020 | 18:23
    Dear All , thanks for your kind word and time out to hear my feelings through this post.

    @ Happiness, thanks for being around with me since long. Its so true that how much we grow old , we feel like kids with parent and they feel like "parent" when they are with us. I surely need some healthy distance in order to stay a meaningful life rather than living with a lot of negative energy around.

    Family, to me has been always a synonym to strength but off late, I have experienced that at times you should not depend on your 'strength' coming from people around you but be your own strength.

    I think life is teaching us different lessons so let it be.
    Thanks again everyone . It is really helping to stay connected with positive people around.

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