Oh...... My........ GGGGODDDDD
Oh my God.....all week I've been so fantastic, not to mention encouraging everyone else but I'm not actually so great myself. So...tonight the kids are off to a lovely friends house, time for me to relax right? & what does that mean? Get out the scotch & cigarettes & crank up the music usually. Not this time, I thought, I feel too fabulous to go back to that. No, I'll have a bath & watch a movie - yeh nice... but how boring, can't I just have some fun? Maybe a compromise, so met my sister at the hotel just for a drink or 2 - fine, then I'll go home. Of course I had to have another & another so 4 drinks later than I really had to go as I was getting desperate for a smoke & although only a few minutes away from home I still didn't want to risk drinking & driving. Phew, made it out the door but.....far out.....all I wanted to do was go back & grab some off my sister...I was just about to go back & literally beg her for some but I couldn't bring myself to do that & I also couldn't deal with the thought that she'd probably say no anyway & I'd then have to resort to blubbering & begging. So..... I just got in the car & kept driving, driving away. You should have heard the words that came out of my mouth in the car! I was going crazy yelling at myself, like oh my God I just need a smoke, I need a cigarette NOW, with many really bad swear words in between then the gut wrenching panic set in. I felt just like someone you see in the movies, like those addicts clinging & pleading with anything they can to get hold of for another hit!?? It's now 40 minutes later & I've calmed down, called my other (very supportive) sister but she didn't answer, so poured myself a very strong drink & here I am. I guess I got through it but not before searching the house for left over cigarette butts and finding only 3 butts in a disgusting old ashtray, there was nothing left of them but I still lit one in a moment of insanity but there was nothing to smoke so I gave up & here I am. I don't really know what to do, I keep telling people how well I'm going & how not to give up. I know we can all do it but geez how long is this going to take. I don't want to smoke. I want it to go away. I am fearful of it taking me again, I hate it. Do I actually really have to become a boring hermit and drink chai tea for fun! Seriously, that's just not me!!! I do like tea but why has the damn cigarette still got such a hold on me when I've gone so far. Is this is going to happen every time I have a social drink or get stressed forever, when is it going to stop - I shouldn't have any nicotine addiction after 6 weeks should I!! I'm so very happy that the shop wasn't open! what if next time it is????? Now it's 2 hrs since I started writing & still haven't posted it yet coz I worry what people will think, that's anxiety for you I guess, whatever, I don't care. I guess I'll get there, just have to ignore myself for the moment and keep going till tomorrow.
Sorry Anne marie, I'm suppose to be supporting you, don't listen to the above, you will be just fine!
Hi Bronte, Wow! Looks like you used a whole lot of willpower!!! Hahaha, don't mess with stinking cigs again ;).
Thanks Jojie. Well after last night I've now no doubt that I don't need cigarettes. What a crazy experience when I know how good it is not too. I feel a lot better this morning than I would have if I had of caved in. I put it down to the alcohol - it's my BIGGEST trigger. The two have gone together for 26yrs. I agree, there's nothing at all fun about them it just an association we have. I won't be going to the hotel again, I don't even like the place. Everyone was blowing their smoke all over me, it was really gross. It was such a toxic environment, I just don't need that in my life anymore. I can't quite believe I was one of them. The 1/2 an hr or so of stress is nothing to put up with for a life time of breathing free & easy. I now see it as being a really good experience - a very positive reinforcement. I feel like I'm now further down the track with another big lesson learnt. More power to me! I hope this inspires others to never give in no matter how bad things get.
Hi BROTE . You should be very proud of yourself . That was one bad time you had .Hotel , alcohol and smokes all go together .Nowadays never do I go to hotel that could be like a boom for me . As a big drinker almost set me off early have not had a drink in many years . Think maybe a good idea for you not to go back to hotel . The old alcohol will take your guard down before you know it . I so felt for you Walked each step with you when I read your night . Brote take care . I Will be thinking on you As I said I,ve been down the alcohol path abuse path have come out the other end a better person . We are going to be PERFECT when we beat the smokes .
Thanks Annemarie, I was concerned about you coz I had just assured you how much easier it got! Well, I guess it does if you take alcohol out of the equation. Yes, I will be steering clear of the hotel from now on, I've practically given it away over the last 6 weeks anyway so am starting to realise it's really not necessary & I feel so much better & well rested for it. Thanks again, keep up the good work too, your going great.
Hi Bronte, what an amazing story of strength & commitment. I had a drinking issue and got help through another group, I've been sober 10 years. It certainly helps with saying NO to cigs but I've had a couple of relapses on cigs and I just go back and start again, as I have done today. I've been off them 4 and a half hours. It is tough. It only goes to show how addictive these things are! This is why we must succeed in getting clear of them. Thanks for your support Bronte, I hope you continue making big strides and kick some goals. All the best for now!