This has to work - final quit attempt will succeed.

Well, here goes my story. I know that as soon as I read it back once written, I will consider myself an idiot for not quitting sooner.

I started smoking around 20 years of age and am currently 55 years old.

I smoked around 20 a day, every day, and led an active life with many outdoor hobbies. Other than menopause and turning lactose intolerant, I’d had no health scares at all. Young and bullet proof…..

23 weeks ago, I were throwing some hay out to the stock and had a heart attack. No warning, no prior hints, just heart attack and died on the spot.

Luckily for me, someone was close by, they called the ambulance, air wing took me to Monash, had a stent put in. I apparently ‘died’ two more times on the air flight.

Stayed two weeks at Monash, needless to say I didn’t even think of smoking at the time. Nurses offered patches but I declined, I was just so stunned at what had happened. Whilst there, the doctors noted that I had a hole in the heart and it needed to be patched in the future (was born with it).

Discharged from Monash, I waited the 10 weeks to go back in and have the hole plugged. All went smoothly.

But not when I went home. I live by myself now as adult son has left home and my partner has passed away. Where I had previously done things like horse riding, sword fighting, archery and fishing…I found I now sat in the corner and waited for the next heart attack. And when the first anxiety attack totally took over, I lit up a smoke.

And another. And here I am. A blubbering teary mess who has had several ER late night visits for things that anxiety had me believing were ‘the end’.

I recently went for an echo-cardiogram and other tests that all showed the stent, heart, plug and medications were all working. The cardiologist said he has given me another 25 years of life…if I stop smoking. Otherwise he gives me 6 – 12 months.

Do I embrace it? No. I am still smoking. I need to stop and I need to do so right now.

I’ve just read Alan Carr’s book twice. I’ve thrown the smokes away and then crawled out at dawn to buy another packet. I’ve tried hiding them from myself. I’ve tried cutting back, I’ve left the house without them so I can’t get to them. I appear to be a failure just now.

We are talking life and death here, what other incentive should I need.

I can’t take Chantix or anything like that due to the heart meds. I have a healthy dose of PTSD from the heart event.

I’m at wits end and every waking moment is consumed with trying to stop smoking. I won’t get a second chance anymore. I’ve set a quit date three times and failed.

I know I can quit. I didn’t even think about smokes when in Monash or directly afterwards. No side effects, no withdrawals, just stopped.

I’m at a loss what to do other than keep trying to stop but my trying isn’t good enough.