I was a secret smoker and it nearly drove me crazy!
I started smoking when I was 16, I am now 28. I was always embarrassed about the fact that I smoked so I hid that fact! Only those closest to me, my husband, some of my family and two of my closest friends knew that I WAS a bonafied smoker. Living a lie for so long is extremely exhausting, it really takes its toll on not only your physical health but also your mental health.
As I got older the more intent I was on hiding my smoking. I would wash my hands so many times a day to get the smoke smell off them, so much so that I ended up getting dermatitis and had to question if perhaps I had developed a compulsive disorder. I would wash my hair morning and night, not because it was dirty but because I was paranoid of it smelling like smoke. I brushed my teeth SERIOUSLY about 10 times a day because I was worried someone smelling smoke on my breath (as a result I have extremely sensitive teeth from all that scrubbing!) I washed clothes constantly, terrified that the smoke smell would linger on them. I NEVER smoked in public and as a result I was usually always rushing home from somewhere so I could have a cigarette... outings were not fun for me because of nicotine withdrawals! I pushed myself at the gym but felt guilty for even being there... why should I be seen as a healthy person when I knew I was not... and I was also extremely paranoid that some healthy gym person would get a whiff of smoke on me.
IT WAS EXHAUSTING living this lie.... the logical thing to do would surely be to quit... and yet it has taken me sooooo long to build up the courage to do this.
I am happy to say I have been smoke free for 10 days... early days yet I know, but I am feeling happy about this. It has been a struggle, I have been angry and frustrated and I KNOW my husband thinks this past week and a bit that he actually married the devil but for the first time since I was 16 years old I FEEL FREE, I feel like I don't have to lie, I feel like I belong at the gym, I feel like I am no longer hiding or have to hide from anything. I honestly feel like me... not smoker me, not pretending not to be a smoke me, just me (maybe a little angry me). I can't even begin to explain the relief I have felt these past 10 days, it is like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, so much more confidence, so much more time, so much easier to breath, literally.
Of course I have been tempted... today was extremely difficult for some reason, which is why I searched for this site... I have so many reasons as to why I knew I had to quit, but the benefits from this reason, to end the lie, well these benefits have hit me like a tonne of bricks and to start smoking again would see the return of a paranoid and trapped me.... and I there is no way I want to go back to that person!
Good Luck to all, and I hope my story gives at least one person a bit of inspiration :)
Wow, what a story, you poor thing ! Smoking is really a terrible friend, one which you, as you said, will be so much happier without ! Keep it up, and good luck. I've been smoking for over 20 years and have gone 276 days now and feel so relieved. I hated its stronghold on my life for too long ! and yes, you are an inspiration !
Well done, I am a similar story, fitness junkie who smokes always trying to hide it from people and the look of shock when they see is so embarrassing.
18 days smoke free and feel like freedom nicotine controls your life. Now I have it back...Good luck!!! Keep it up :)
Thank you both for yOur comments, both an inspiration and comforting to know I'm not alone
wow, yes, I thought I was bad for the washing of the hands, not that hid smoking, but I would wash my hands all the time, suck on lozenge or eat something to get rid of the smoke smell..the one thing I hated as the smell and the taste it left, it so stupid we have this smoking habit yet we do everything to hid it or cover it up..only been two days for me cold turkey and going great..thanks for sharing.