im dieing

How many characters can i type here? besides that, does it matter... its 5.13am i dont even know the day, I think its now Friday. Ive been awake for almost two days (48 hrs), i cant sleep, i was put on patches by my doctor for medical reasons and i can sleep, other than for two or 3 hours in the day, thats my best sleep time pretty much so far.

Patches have totally stopped me from sleep (not that i get a lot as usual anyway but this is now extreme) . I feel cravings still regardless of the patches.  I am in pain from a serious MVA meaning i am confined to a bed in a small room 24/7 for 5 to 6 days a week. I stair at the ceiling, ive seen every movie ever produced, 1000`s of times over. For 3.5 years i have been bed ridden and now im told to give up smokes due to needing more surgery/procedures. ( I had to before but after surgery went back to smoking)

I take Morphine for pain, oxycontain, endone, norspan, panadole, neurophen, valium, stemzine, ventolin (x 2 full inhalers every 4 days just so i can breath), i have a ventilator, i take cardiprin as im told that my heart arteries (early stages) are blocking up now (after being referred to a cardiologist).

 I take panafcort because ventolin doesn’t always work, and until recently there were a bunch of other drugs i just gave up on. ( endep and the likes) I have an unemptied ashtray as i write this on my bed, and im only writing to try and stay sane ( tying so hard to stay focused use my mind), anyhow im going through the stubbed out butts to try and resurrect some to smoke.

Ironically i only have a sheet of paper to empty the butts on to sought, which is the Quiteline referral paper my doctor gave me.....

3.5 years ago my life was perfect, i help a highly responsible job and advancing. On a very lax week without applying myself, after Tax i would take home $1,375 and if i chose to work out of Sydney metro area i would take home 2.5K to $3K per week (construction OH&S) .

I had a nice life style, no pressure, lots of money, i rented a penthouse in Sydney city with over 300 internal square meters of space, no luxury left to want for, remote everything, even the cieling in parts opened out ( I even had my own 6 car garage and a games room with full size Pool table).

I was 100% healthy, 100% happy. I had an active social life , friends, i would eat at restaurants, i had no debt, totally Zero, I used to buy Armani clothes, Dolce Cabana etc etc (this is not a brag, it was life) I had the best of everything, I had a King Bed paid 9.5k in cash , and the list of things that reflected my life style would fill a book, and on my income , and why not!!! Life is to be enjoyed yes???

I was excessively happy in life so much so I was just beginning to quite smokes!!!! The time was perfect, no stress, no problems, no worries, soooooo happy , yes it was too good to be true but I was doing it! So, i was going onto the Champix program, I was determined to make life just one bit better and QUIT smokes!.

As this was happening, one morning driving to work heading along the Eastern Distributor toward North Sydney and just before the Sydney Harbor Tunnel entry point I begun to exit to join the Cahill expressway so i could cross the Harbor bridge as i didn’t need to go into the Harbor tunnel.

As i was just heading up the exit ramp a car came screaming down the exit ramp in the wrong direction and at high speed collided with me head on. Result: I suffered a torn spinal cord, broken ribs, smashed up head, broken nose, serious tissue damage, the steering wheel went through my neck as it broke my ribs causing serious damage to my larynx, trachea and my face had a perfect indentation of the steering wheel indented into it, just like an indent you could make in clay. My shoulder was unusable and remains ‘frozen’ to this day.

I have lost sensation to my right side, i have lost sensation/functionality to other more personal areas , i have pins and needles, and mostly PAINNNN. My spinal cord cannot be repaired so my neurologist says , its in an area where the nerve centres control movement below my neck, so to operate would leave me in a wheel chair.

After the smash i was then reduced to workers compensation. Workers comp did not cover my rent, food, bills etc, and eventually i was evicted by the sheriff after battling/negotiating to no win….. I was unable to move on the date of the eviction due to having to go into surgery to rebuild my nose. I managed to come out of Hospital/surgery with only 2 days notice to move.

The sheriff was being brought in, i remember being unable to walk from nerve damage and a smashed knee, me wrapped up like a mummy from surgery and trying to organise over 4 tons of brand new furniture to be put onto the street or into storage, with just 48 hours notice of the arrival of the sheriff.

The CTP insurer Allianz, you know the ones who say " we will cover you for 20 million of damages" which is standard with all CTP insurance, turns out to be untrue. The insurer battled with me saying tuff luck, not much they can do, after having accepted full liability for their insured drivers gross act of negligence.

So i was chucked into the street, the insurer did pay for the removal guys to take my furniture into storage but they told me i had to pay all storage fees. During the move those guys broke a fair few of my things, brand new items, some not even installed or unwrapped.

Initially after the eviction, I was sleeping on a mattress in my van in the park opposite my penthouse till my mother who lives in the country made me go and stay there. She is elderly and i didn’t want to do that to her, to take care of me, she has a VERY small little unit and her own worries, and doesn’t need to become a carer for me but in reality with me pretty much screaming in pain, pain that brings tear to my eyes, trying to recover from surgery, sleeping in a van wasn’t working out so i ended up with mum in her care. She now has to come second in life after giving all of it to me already  bringing me up:(!!!

My bills over the last 3.5 years have fallen well into arrears, my furniture (was actually being delivered at the time of the accident after i updated my entire house contents a few weeks before) storage bill unpaid for over 12 months, and about 40 thousand  of brand new unused furniture and possessions now about to be sold to recover the storage fees.

IF anyone wants a custom made, totally made in heaven 5 thousand dollar lounge for like 500 bucks and other such like give away bargains let me know, ill send u to the auction.....

I have a crap no win no pay Solicitor who has done nothing for me to help fight the insurer who REFUSE to help and compensate me, opting out with excuses, and saying that oneday ill get better (stabilize) so they will wait till i stabilize before they settle, of course nothing has stabilized after 3.5 years and things like my spine never will. So cleverly using legislation they wont compensate me.

I now have a hiatus hernia, just diagnosed, at the time of the accident my stomach was pushed up through my oesophagus, however was not diagnosed other than reflux, so i have been on LOTS of Nexium etc over the time only to now find out the above diagnosis which was only realised after i recently had a bleed and unable to keep food down or eat.

At the time of the accident, the company i worked for held my position open for me for about a year but due to the extent of injuries and being now disabled they fired me so they could fill my position ( they couldn’t hold it open forever knowing I will never return to work).

My friends dropped off, gone by the way , i live too far from Sydney now for them to visit me, and even if they could, do they want to drive for three hours to sit on my bed all day in a unit you cant swing a cat in and then drive home. (how exciting for them)

I have one friend from down here and he visits me every 4 or so week for a chat. Thats it. My Life, My Story but now im told I MUST QUITE CIGGERETTS and what i want to know is HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE UP CIGGERETTS!!!!!

 All i have is a ceiling to look at and a 13 inch TV screen ( the other, one in storage is 230 cm screen remote drop down Projector I miss badly)……. Recently, I apparently suffered some type of accidental overdose of Oxycontain, woke up in Hospital just a couple of months ago, must be the will of god perhaps that im still here..............grrs!

At the time of the accident my accountant just 7 days prior had come over to my place to do paperwork in preparation for me to buy my first home along with setting up other such investments like smsf etc.

3.5 years of HELLLL caged, life over, in pain, without income ( workers comp is so low its pitty money, not income, my finances left derelict) sometimes after paying the bills i do pay, i am without food and have had to get help from the salvation army, i have even had to ask them to pay my petrol so i can travel to specialists or i dont go.

And still the CTP insurer wants no part of paying compensation to me or even helping me in any way shape or form, irrespective of the driver at fault having CTP insurance to the value of 20 million dollars,  as we all do as standard.

So in an attempt to try and reason as to why i am giving up cigarettes, i fail to see what difference it will make to my life anyway, yet , i will try,  ill try and do it for my mum, ill try so she doesn’t have to smell the smoke anymore that pours through the unit,  i know it will make her happy and who knows, It might help me to breath better and that would be some relief.

Here i am, its now 7.44am, i slept yesterday from 2.45 to 4pm, and prior to that 6am to 10am in a total of two complete days, its a combination of pain but i have noticed the patches have made me AMAZINGLY energetic!!!! and i cant see how with all that is , how do i stop smoking??????????????????????????????????????

To be honest, I just have a feeling im not so long for this world anyways, not that I have anything install, but I have a dreaded, unshakable feeling I just wont make old bones. Endeavours. IF i am able to stop, after going through what i do, living like this, Id guess that ANYONE could do it.