The thing that broke me

I am so angry and mad with myself!!! I can't beleive I relapsed after a year.

I feel ashamed and disgusted, but I will get through this AGAIN!!

See hubby and I have struggled to give our son a sibling, he is 11 years old and we finally fell pregnant again but sadly we lost her at 26 weeks and this broke me. The grieve I expereinced at that moment was a dark and all consuming horrible and nasty place. So it broke me and I am still broken, shattered into a million pieces. Every waking moment, every sleeping moment I saw her and I swear I could hear he cry, crying for me her mum and I couldnt get to her, I couldnt touch her, smell her, hold her. I cry, scream for all the lost memories she will never have, that we will never have with her. We deserved her, we desereved her to be ours and fought so hard to have her. My hubby deserves his liitle girl, to kiss her and protect her, to be her first love. My son deserves his sister to look up to him and giggle and laugh at all his funny faces and she deserves to be protected by her big brother. I deserve my liitle girl to lay with in the middle of the night just us two while the boys to sleep, I deserve to gaze at her and to to imagine her life all her milestones, her first word, her first steps, learning to read, making new friends, her first boyfriend, her wedding, her babies my grandbabies. We deserve it and it didnt happen..

I couldnt cope, I couldnt sleep, I couldnt wake, I couldnt eat, I needed something anything...

So this is what broke me and I have had enough! I dont want to smoke so I am back here again.