Time to own up..

So its been a while since a checked in... Partly becasue my life has been absolutely ridiculous and partly becasue i was kinda dreading having to admit my mistakes.. But i have bitten the bullet and here goes -

Over the last few weeks my life was unbelievable to say the least.. To be honest it was like my happy life as i knew it was just falling apart every direction i turned!! It was in these very week moments that i had a few slip ups..

I in no way make excuses for dropping the ball, but at those points of the lowest of low i just couldnt possibily care about it anymore.. I couldnt handle one more pressure on me without feeling like i would spontaniously combust! i was defeated so defeated i just didnt have the energy to fight anymore, so i just didnt..

After all was said and done and the issues i was having were worked out, i was left with the guilty sinking feeling of failure.. I had let myself and everyone else rooting for me down..I was upset about it for quite a while and i even still feel disappointed in myself, but im picking myself back up and continuing on my journey.

I know that it is a debatable topic, but im not going to start counting my days again.. The way im seeing it is that it wasnt a failed quit, it was just a minor bump in the road.. If im on a diet and sneak a chocolate bar i dont automatically think im not on a diet anymore, so why sell myself short on all of the hard work i have done to get to 67 days since i quit? Reminding myself of my successes keeps me going, so im gonna stick with that.. Also, the thought of starting counting again i found so daunting and terrifying that i was scared that it would make me start smoking again.. Stupid but thats the way i feel about it..

For all those out there who are having a hard time and thinking about having that "one" ciggie ill let you know how it felt in the hope that you are stronger than i and dont do it to yourself - My throat was stratchy, my lungs hurt, i keep smelling myself and being disgusted and above all i had the sinking feeling in my gut that i had betrayed myself. Had i have stayed strong i would have felt a million bucks, if i could have resisted in such hard times that i could beat anything.. But the fact of the matter is that i got a giant slap in the face of reality about how human i really am..

The other thing to note is once you have had that one ciggie (even after a month for me) it messes with your head all over again!! The thoughts just pop into your head so often about having one, similar to when you first start your quit. It makes it sooo much harder to stay strong!

Well i guess thats about it - I made my mistakes but its not the end of the journey.. I cant dwell on those mistakes or it will consume me..

Well sending strength to all who are doing it tough xxxx