OK so I didn't do what I said I would

I checked in here, but the script for the Champix is still sitting in my bag. Am I my own worst enemy?What stopped me from getting that script? It was that I am scared, like little kid who just doesn't want to give up her toy. Whatever happens I will at least make a commitment to recording my feelings about this battle here. I managed to give up last time about three years ago for a whole six years using a quit smoking program. Took it back up again when my dog died. However I was just waiting for an excuse all that time. I stashed a packet of cigs many years before, that someone left behind accidentally. No thought went with it at the time, but I think my subconscious smoker self has sabotaged my efforts to stay smoke free. It is this same self now, that gets up and goes to get a new packet every time My rational self says no more. It is like a bloody zombie, shuts down all rational thinking and gets a packet, then sighs a great relief and says "I'll quit when this packet finishes. Am i crazy or what?There is social aspect to this as well. Cigs make you a social outcast, well the fact that I am ashamed of smoking is making me so. Yet it is social connections that I need most, but I sabotage myself because I am also scared of connecting with people. I feel like a victim, if I go I wont be able to smoke. But I actually really loath smoking, I know it is keeping me enslaved and slowly killing me. It is like self fulfilling prophecy. I am scared of being alone, so I isolate myself. I am scared of dying, so I am killing myself. What a messed up person?! OK lets just make a plan. There is only one person who is pressuring me. So today I don't have to quit, I just have to finally buy those champix. I don't even have to take them if I don't want to. All pressure is off. I will just do two things, buy the tablets and write in here every day. See if putting down my thoughts will help (I know it will). If I don't mange to quit, at least I will examine why I chose not to one day at a time. Hopefully it will give voice to my rational thoughts, so to speak finding my will so I can start exercising it more.Does this sound like Luny, or can anyone relate?Cheers Kati