How to support my partner to quit?
Hi,
I am looking for tips and advices. I don’t smoke but my partner does, about 10-15 cigarettes a day.
We have been together for 3 years now and smoking has been a huge issue for us and has put us apart.
I have been trying to make him quit for the past 2,5 years with no luck. I know He needs to do it for himself and not for me, but he lives his life as it comes, thinking that tomorrow could be the last day so why bother quitting when he enjoys it today.
He tried many techniques 1,5 years ago - champix, hypnosis, acupuncture, Allen Carr seminar, vaping (with and without nicotine) but has only been able to quit for a couple of weeks max.
I know I have put pressure on him which I regret now but when I did not say anything and let him to do something about it by himself, it got worse...
I just don’t know what else I can do now because our relationship is at its worse. I can’t see a future with someone that is likely to die in 10 years. I can’t see myself starting a family and have kids with him as I won’t want to let him holding my baby and expose him to the toxicants of smoke. I won’t take the risk of ending up as a single mum because he died of a heart attack, living his family behind just because he enjoyed smoking too much. This sounds just ridiculous to me...
We have stopped kissing and hugging because of the smell on him that would make me upset. We don’t have fun anymore because there is always this underlying issue that is destroying everything we had.
We are both so frustrated about it, and he does not put any effort into it anymore so I don’t know what I should do, if maybe it’s time for us to move on? I know I will never be able to accept it, I can’t love and care about someone that is letting himself die. It is contradictory.
I have tried to accept it but it never worked. I know I cant because it is so illogic; accepting he will die rather than him fighting to live.
We are far away from each other at the moment and he tells me that it doesn’t help him to make any effort to quit so he basically wants things to improve for him to try again. I do think that if things were amazing between us he would have more will to try but I also think this is just excuses, because even if things are great tomorrow, work might not be and that would be the excuse like it has been before.
I am really lost of what should I do next because I believe this is a circle, things will never get better between us if he does not put any effort into it. And he will never quit if things are not getting better between us...
Any advices from anyone who have been through this?
Hi Cgcg23 unfortunately I feel your partner has to want to quit because they want to, not because someone else wants them to in order to be successful. In life we are all free spirits with freedom of choice and yes you want your partner to quit because you love him. I have quit smoking but my husband still smokes, I do not nag him to quit as it is his choice. I understand it seems to be a deal breaker for you but only you can know what is best for your relationship. I wish you both all the very best. Take care
Thank you for your comments.
I understand it has to come from him, but after.3 years together I am still waiting and can’t wait any more because we keep fighting about it.
We both deserve to be happy and this is probably not possible together as we both get so frustrated at each other. He wants me to accept it, thinking that he would never be able to quit, and I want him to quit, thinking I would never be able to accept it.
So we are working against each other and unfortunately there is no middle ground possible here...accepting him to smoke a cigarette here and then is not possible as he can’t restraint himself to only have a few.
It is a hard decision to take because it is scary and I might have regrets later but I think we need to continue on different path as we will never be happy together if we can’t work on it together.