Self Fulfilling Prophecy.....Derailed

Huh, I guess I hit the wrong button and posted this before I intended. I am from the US and I needed some support today so I went online and found this wonderful site from Australia. Thanks for being here, it is much appreciated.

My Dad died of lung cancer last year at this time. He smoked for 56 years. I smoked all through his illness and all through the last year with no change or impact from what he went through. I just couldn't quit, I told myself. I also told a friend that it was likely I would die in the same way he did.....which is to say, from cancer. But what they don't tell you is that cancer can take away your desire to eat. My Dad's chemo treatments were effective, the tumors were shrinking. However, he HATED food. We could not get one solid meal into him for the last 4 months of his life. This was a horror show to me.

On my Dad's birthday, 26 April, I came down with a sinus/ear infection that I was unaware of until 4 days later on 29 April when everything I tried to break the fever failed. Thinking it was a flu, I finally ended up at my doctor who informed me I had puss behind my ear drums and she wondered why I was not writhing in pain. I could not feel it. I knew my airway was constricting, so I asked for a breathing treatment. After the treatment, I felt no better but went home and started an antibiotic to clear the infection. That night, my husband woke me up as I was "panting" trying to catch my breath.

This continued through the night and by mid day the next day I was in the Emergency Room and being admitted to the hospital after 2 breathing treatments failed to bring me any sort of relief at all. I was there 2 days being monitored and assisted with breathing treatments. I went home with a nebuelizer, steroids and the remainder of my antibiotic.

So, since the 26th, I have not had a cigarette. I have run 103+ fever the first week, been the hospital gasping for breath, been home coughing my self silly trying pull the gunk out of my lungs and losing sleep continuously because I the cough, pneumonia, asthma and sinus issues have been rough to say the least.

I am 45.

With every bit of phlegm I cough up, I say "28 years" for the amount of time I smoked. I am putting $6.75 in a savings account every day as this is the amount I would have spent on my cigarettes and I tell myself I already bought "them" today. I am so glad to not be smoking today but I am almost just appalled that it has had to take all of this to wake me up. My poor father suffered, SUFFERED, the last several months of his life. I am only partially seeing what that is like and it breaks my heart.

Anyway, thanks for being here and giving a place to vent.