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this week is the week

Posted in Getting started
schedule 22 Jun 2011

So this week is the week that I finally quit smoking. I feel terrible even saying those words, only because I quit 8 years ago, and then 1 yr 3 months ago I started again!! How stupid of me... I KNOW, I KNOW! It was a moment of weekness, albeit 7 yrs after I quit smoking the first time, and my stupidity that led me to this moment.

I know how bad it is for me, I know I want to quit and I know that I don't want to smoke anymore. I know that I don't want my kids thinking about their mum smoking and dying and I don't want them to be around smokers. Let me clarify that point... I have never smoked in front of my kids but they are 5 and 2 now and they are starting to understand.

Just this week, I had the shopping on the kitchen bench. I had to make a quick trip to the bathroom, only to come back to find that my 2 yr old had started unpacking the shopping. She had found a pack of cigarettes, opened them and had broken 2 of them in half! She looked up at me and said "Mummies". I nearly cried. I feel disgusting and terrible and such a bad mum. I feel like I have introduced a drug into the house and I feel neglectful. My 5 yr old knows what is happening when I go outside, she has just never really said anything about it... yet... :(

So I am sick of feeling this way. Sick of feeling like I am hiding, like I am a drug adict (which I know I am) of feeling that maybe one day, sooner or later, I will end up like so many of my family and friends have... with lung cancer, throat cancer, other smoking-related comlications or even dead. I want to see my kids grow up, enjoy thier company and be able to feel like a good role model.