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40 cigarettes a day is a heavy smoker if you ask me. I really do smoke all my cigarettes as well! I puff away until I get to the filter so I'm not wasting that extra drag. I need to get one more drag out of that cigarette. I am a real addict and don't care if you're judging me for smoking too much. All I want is to be able to smoke and to be left alone. Lets have a drag off our cigarettes and leave the small talk till later.
Something funny happened a few months ago. I had to spend the most part of the day with another guy who actually smoked more than me. He would look at me and tell me something like "Damn, you're smoking a lot!" but I'd be thinking the same thing about him. He probably thought that he smoked less than me and I was probably doing that too. We got to the point where we stopped counting each other's cigarettes because our addictions completely took over due to the fact that we weren't smoking at exactly the same times, so I'd offer him a cigarette when he'd just finished one and he would do the same to me. We got to the point where we became shameless addicts. Later on we stopped somewhere for beers. He had to make sure he had 4 packs of cigarettes on the table. Of course he was not going to smoke them all but I'm sure it was comforting to him that he was amply supplied and he could rest assured that nothing would interrupt satisfying his cravings.
Both of us have screwed up faces from smoking too much but I guess we could tell people that its the Clint Eastwood look. We'd often cough but never admit it was a smokers cough. "Oh, I've got the flu I would say" and he would too. I remember telling him that I resented people asking me questions like "Why do you smoke?" Well, I was ready for those questions and I'd shut you up by telling you "Its my human right!" so leave me alone - stop persecuting smokers and go find someone who is really bad to complain about. I'm certainly not going to give up for the likes of you!
Looking back at day 1 of my quit, I think that I probably gave up for me and no-one else. I could not breathe properly that day, had palpitations from heavy amounts of nicotine. I was in the car and had to stop at the side of the road and get out. I could not stay still and just wanted to get out and move about. I felt trapped, claustrophobic and not in the mood to do anything that could cause me the slightest amount of stress. I guess I was in a kind of panic attack.
"Thats it!, I said
I gave my last pack of cigarettes to my friend and told him I'm not going to smoke anymore. To be honest, it was not that difficult. I don't think I deserve a pat on the pack for stopping in the first few days. No! I stopped those first few days because I needed to breathe!
If I deserve a pat on the back its for staying quit and fighting the urges that come from the psychological and spiritual damage cigarettes have done to me for 69 days. Its a pat on the back for doing homework about my addiction, eagerly learning from other people's comments and trying to understand how nicotine tricks me into believing I need it. I welcome day 70 tomorrow and its one day at a time and one puff away from the madness I experienced in my car some 2 odd months ago.
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