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After more than 2 months smoke free I made it through one more day again. I'm alone right now. Its later evening and this is one of the most difficult times for me. I've written here quite often but I won't apologise for it because thats what we are here for. We are different from others by the fact we are addicts. We are here to share our quit experiences. I want to increase my weaponry so coming here is part of turning up for the military exercise and debriefing. I must not think that the war is over yet because the battles (although smaller than before) are always raging on! The fake roaring lion does his rounds still making his noise , prowling around waiting for someone to devour. The truth is that I also have something to Roar about. I need to find my voice and proclaim louder and clearer
I know that its important for me at this moment to fight the "poor old me" attitude and "nobody cares anyway" so I want to replace my stinky attitude by gratitude. I've got over 2 months quit in me already so I have to remind myself how much ground I've already gained. So, here goes! I'm gonna list out what has improved so far from going cold turkey, putting down cigarettes and abstaining from nicotine in any form.
Its definitely improved my confidence. Since my breath does not stink so easily anymore, its easier to be closer to someone. The other day I was so close to someone that I noticed they spit on my while they talk. This means that my powers of observation have increased by not smoking. I was in the pub while they talked and it was encouraging that I could actually see they are spitting on me while talking. I think I would of missed that in the past. Fortunately it was a good looking woman who dressed becomingly and had nice breath, so it wasn't so bad from a psychological point of view.
I can smell again! I love smelling flowers and cut grass. Last month I remember smelling cut grass for the first time in years. It brought back memories of my teenage days. My sense of smell has come back, so I'm also smelling body odour. The other day I was cycling behind some dude and I could smell his horrible sweat in the air. It crossed my mind that the only reason I can smell it is because I've quit smoking. At least I could smell, even if it was bad!
I don't cough anymore, my breathing is starting to improve and I can concentrate if needed for longer periods than before.
I've also found that I am beginning to be able to make conscious decisions more easily about what I like and don't like. I think that since I am "choosing" not to smoke on a daily basis, I'm also becoming more aware of my own will. When I used to smoke, I could blur a situation so that it did not matter e.g. maybe I'd spend a lot of time with someone I honestly don't like very much. I could spend time with anyone as long as I had ciggies so that I could blow a nicotine laced smoke wall between them and myself. I'd tell myself that smoking would deaden the pain the other guy is causing my emotions. I'd think that everyone is not too bad as long as I can smoke.
Over the last few weeks this has changed. I am now deciding to avoid certain people and I am not talking about smokers. I'm talking about people that do me no good. People who drain me, people who make me feel fearful and worthless. I need to get away from them at this time to build up enough strength to be able to face them and their kin in the future. I am not scared of them but I need some time to build up my convictions. Giving up the cigarettes seems to me right now a journey not only about discovering my addiction but also a personal discovery. I need to stay away or avoid listening/ paying attention to people who drag me down.
Its late at night, I'm going to get on my bicycle and go for a long slow ride near around the neighbourhood. I must remember not to go too fast, to enjoy the ride and to make sure I have a drink to sip on as lose water by sweating.
The above are some of my thoughts (the better ones) and I guess that sharing the "arguments" in my mind might be helpful to someone. I think we need to speak to ourselves about this addiction and reason things out to come out a winner. Speaking to others also helps me. I remember following someone's blog on the internet who quit for 30 days (http://www.iquit-smoking dot com/nicotine-withdrawal-day-10.html) and I found strength from his reasoning. I also find strength here when you fellow quitters remind me of whats important.
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