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Hi all. Proud of this so far. However, I know my limitations so well. The start is full of determination etc, then the little nicotine monster rears its head again. I am going to catch up with non smoking friends this weekend ( who don't know I still smoked). I guess this was part of the plan. I will have no access to smokes, no triggers. Also continuing the lies of being a non- smoker.
My trigger as a secret smoker is only to smoke at home. I could go days without a smoke when away.
It reinforces the fact that this addiction is really only psychological. The physical addiction, I do believe is small. That is the problem -that my brain wants this as its friend, its stress relief, its grief counsellor...on go the excuses. Minding all that, I don't know if I could have done the last few years without it. Is that not stupid, that a smoke could fix anything?
Trouble is, the self disgust is awesome for doing this to myself.
So, this time I will come home on Tuesday and not pick the first one up.
I will regain some self respect.
That's the plan. And my promise to this special community who understand as no-one else does, the intensity of the struggle.
Thanks to Jenno and Kazzie for your posts and thanks to Lia, Fullof Hope and Nodrah for your sharing your journeys and inspiring days off the weed.
I will be away from a computer until Tuesday evening.
Good travels to you all. Smoke free.
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