Stories & experiences

Bronte
Mid North Coast
31
Stories
19/04/2015
Joined

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Posted in Quit experiences 08 Aug 2015
16 Comments

I really don't know what to say here....I'm just so ashamed of myself but under the circumstances I really can't blame myself either. I'm only human. I feel like I've let everyone down, especially myself. I went 3 whole months smoke free from the 19th of April to the 3rd of July. But.....then.... my mum was coming to look at a unit to buy in a retirement home nearby me after her recent heart attack & I had to help so I bought a packet to put in the cupboard just in case as she is extraodinarily aggrivating & causes huge stress. Instead, I smoked those leading up to her visit in anticipation then didn't smoke while she was here, hiding it, for 3 days. As soon as she left I bee lined it straight to the shop to buy some as I was so stressed out, so there goes another packet. 13 whole days went by after that easily without smoking but......on the 31st of July I had to see my mum again as I'm helping her sell & pack her house. Mind you a visit from my ex during this time didn't help either. I had developed sever back and neck pain without specific injury leading up to visiting my mum but I packed the kids up on the Friday and went anyway, by the time I got there I couldn't move my neck at all & had shooting pain up into the side of my head. After a night and then morning of abuse from her towards me & finally unacceptably towards my kids I couldn't take anymore & left at 10am with not even 1 box packed. I will not tolerate her abusing my kids. When I was a child I couldn't stand up for myself & had nowhere to go & if I tried, well.... that wasn't pretty. Now, as an adult I CAN leave, so I did. Of course I desperately had to get another packet after my prior 2 weeks without one, it seemed to help somehow along with the bourbon which relieved my back & neck pain. My doctor & two physio visits over this last week conclude my pain is due to severe stress, not surprisingly, I didn't need an expert to tell me that. It is getting better day by day, I've never been in such excrutiating pain besides giving birth! The physio said it's your body's defence mechanism trying to protect itself, telling you to flee the situation. I've been in constant panic mode, tense & anxious for such a long time due to my separation, moving states, mum's heart attack, caring for her & selling her house etc the list is endless. Not to mention post traumatic events. It's hard having to care for your childhood abuser once again as an adult, you still feel like that defenceless child. However, last night I checked the quit site & realised how insane all this is. I was very excited & couldn't wait till the morning where I would tear up the rest of my big packet of 50s. I had hidden it from the kids but this morning I explained to them I had bought a packet and felt I'd let them down so sat on the lounge room floor and ripped up each of the 30 I had left in front of them. They just smiled, said good mummy, and went on with what they were doing. So quit day again today! I had been recording on my calendar over the last month and smoked a total of 15 days out of the month, about 4 or 5 packets. What do I do? Do I start at day 1 again - arrgghh. Or do I take 15 days off my would be 111 days today or just go back to my 3 months and start from there. What would you do - start from day 1 again? or 4 months minus a month a mess & insanity!!!! After reading this I feel so let down by people who are suppose to have cared for me I just want to reserect the smokes out of the bin & smoke them all. It's so depressing but I have to just try to be kinder to myself. Any comments or suggestions welcome. Thanks everyone who has taken the time to listen to this very looong post. Sorry. I wasn't even going to post it, but maybe for some reason it might help someone relate?? I don't know.

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16 Comments

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  • jojie August 08, 2015 | 12:40
    Hi Bronte, Listen, you are only human so, start over no big deal. I was thinking about you I am glad you are back :). It is nice to hear from you again. Don't go.. keep posting.
  • jojie August 08, 2015 | 12:53
    I missed you Bronte!!!:)
  • patriciaj August 08, 2015 | 13:09
    just start again
  • Cranky76 August 08, 2015 | 14:39
    Please stop being so hard on yourself. Smoking is your crutch and the stress set you off, from your story it's no wonder! You said u have stopped smoking when your mum is not in your life, maybe that's telling you something.... It doesn't matter if you're at day 30 or at day 120, it's simply matters that you try to stop smoking for u and your kids. Be kind to yourself, I'm sure you would be more understanding of this happening to someone else, then why shouldn't you give yourself a break too? We spend so much time concentrating on the negative, the bonus is that u can do it, you can stop and u have proved that. Maybe some other changes in your life will help you stop smoking forever.. Best of luck
  • Bronte, Mid North Coast August 08, 2015 | 15:13
    Thanks guys, thanks Jojie - I will stay. I'll make sure I log on as a ritual every day as I was doing before and I will keep moving forward. I was just starting to stand tall and be strong then everything fell apart from outside interference a little beyond my control. I know I can be strong and do it again with your support. thanks.
  • Lindavan, Western Sydney August 08, 2015 | 15:24
    Just start over...you'll see how quickly the non-smoking days add up again. Per haps it,s a good idea to start thinking that when you see your mother, smoking only adds another stressful situation instead of relieving one. I think it's very brave that you pisted it all in the icanquit site for people to read and learn from your experience...Good luck Bronte, I'm sure you can do it.
  • Bronte, Mid North Coast August 08, 2015 | 16:06
    Thanks. Yes, I agree it does add to an already difficult situation. Although we know this, for some reason we ignore the logic and do it anyway. Just another challenging situation I'll train my brain to deal with differently next time just as I have done with many other difficult scenarios.
  • Jenny S , South Western Sydney August 08, 2015 | 18:37
    Wow Bronte ! you are showing so much strength, you know why you started back smoking (stress is a terrible thing, you feel that you are drowning) you walked away when your kids were being yelled at and now you really want to start again. You should be very proud of yourself Bronte, I believe you have the strength to continue your quit journey, we are all with you Jenny
  • Feather (aka Oompa Loompa) August 08, 2015 | 20:33
    I'm really impressed with your first effort. They say each time gets easier so go for it. Good luck. The quit liners are here when the going gets tough. They certainly have been for me.
  • Bronte, Mid North Coast August 08, 2015 | 21:02
    Thanks Jenny & Feather. Yes, another lesson added to the many I have learnt here over the past 4 months. Jenny you're now in front of me, I remember when you first started & I was just that little bit ahead of you. I knew you'd get there and your doing so well now, good for you. Thanks, off for a nice early night with my water bottle!
  • jojie August 08, 2015 | 22:59
    Hi Bronte! I just want to say that you are very popular in this sight as you can see :):). Please keep posting, its very motivating, don't go away. Thanks
  • Holy Ghost soldier August 09, 2015 | 7:30
    I believe your doing the right thing I too am under extreme stress suffering from fibromyalgia and tinnitus pain non stop I smoked like crazy but this time going be strong and trust in God remembering what our Lord and saviour said about our bodies being temples where God's Spirit dwells within and also the scripture that says God's Spirit will not dwell in an unclean temple so be strong and trust in God and leave everything in the Lord's hands Prayers and God bless you.
  • Lizzie 1, Western NSW August 09, 2015 | 7:45
    Hi Bronte
    Thank you for your story ..I too have let myself down and smoked although I was only 21 days free and had no stress compared to yours. I feel so disappointed with myself . Let's you and I start again , I will today and let me know when your ready and we can ' hold each other's hands' and kick this habit for good xx
  • Bronte, Mid North Coast August 09, 2015 | 13:33
    Jojie, I really appreciate your encouraging comment, makes me smile & very determined to stay!
  • Bronte, Mid North Coast August 09, 2015 | 13:36
    Holy Ghost soldier, I don't have Tinnitus but I know how bad that can be so I feel for you. Our body is a temple, yes, so true - thanks for reminding me of that!
  • Bronte, Mid North Coast August 09, 2015 | 13:40
    Poor Lizzie, don't worry, don't be too disappointed but I know how you feel, your trying and are back too which can only be good. Yes, we can kick it together, heads held high! Let's do it!

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