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I don't know why but week 5 is proving rather difficult. My brain has actually been telling me and very nearly convincing me that I NEED cigarettes to get through the stress. This is a little different from the beginning where I was just winging to myself saying I want one, I really desperately just want one. I'll do anything, pleading....It's changed tactics, trying to rationalize with me, the voice has been rather forceful like it's losing the battle & is trying anything to get me back. It's literally making me say to myself, Oh no, I actually really do need them & I start to believe it to be true - I had myself convinced that there's nothing I can do about it & that I just need a packet to get through this. I've been overwhelmed & stressed this week so I think that's what is causing it. I just still can't believe the thought processes we go through. Whatever the process though, it may as well give up because I'm not giving in. I'm much smarter and I know how to deal with it now. Whilst going through all these terrible thoughts today, I deliberately sat down and watched the sunset when I desperately wanted one just as I would have sat there normally with a drink & a smoke. I just wanted to feel the difference, during that time I wondered why I thought I needed it so much, there's just no logical explanation. I happily sat & watched the sunset just as I would have normally for those 5 minutes but with nothing in my hand or mouth, breathing fresh air instead of chemicals & relaxing the same without it. I still don't understand it but I think I'll just stop trying to understand and be happy that it is finally losing it's grip on me. I know the more I stand strong the weaker it becomes! Pretty happy about that. I feel next week will be a better stronger week. Pretty happy about that too. I feel amazing right now that I didn't give in!
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