I've just worked out that I had 69 non-smoking days in 2019. Kept stopping and starting, but noticed I’d stay hooked for longer when I beat myself about failing to stay quit. I was basically punishing myself by continuing to smoke. Realising this was a bit of a wake up call. Not enough to get me to quit completely, ugh, but I have to trust the process. To be honest, it’s not so much the quitting - the withdrawal symptoms are good for me because they give me something to fight. It’s just this feeling of emptiness that gets me every time. Which is ridiculous because I’m never depressed, lucky that way I guess, and have a rich and creative life. I've tried motivational/ discipline books, just to walk me out to the other side of this crazy-making smoke screen, I’ve tried cold turkey, nicotine replacements, chemical cosh, homeopathy, you name it. But at some point after quitting I enter the void, or the void enters me, so I panic and try to fill it the only way I know how - with fags. Hope this is not too all over the place. One thing is for sure: I am going into 2020 as a non-smoker, so help me god.
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