I cannot get past day 3. Sometimes just the fear of day three causes me to lose my resolve. I just don't understand why I keep doing this to myself. My throat literally aches tonight from smoking. I am in tears, feeling defeated, yet again because of my own poor decisions. & for some unknown (at least to me at this time) reason I keep running right back to it. I am so angry at myself. Why can't I make this a priority? Why does the fear of the unknown (how to be a non smoker) cause me to panic & reach for a cigarette? When is enough finally enough? I think part of it, even if it's only a small part, is I am not a priority to myself. I never have been. I always put everyone & everything else before I do anything for me. This started when I was a kid. I'm the oldest of 7 & when my mom got divorced & became a single mom in the early 90s, I was her right hand man so to speak. So I do not know how to make myself a priority, it feels selfish & selfish feels wrong.
So here I am again...driving myself insane with inability to succeed due to self sabotage. "Yay me!!"
I am going to spend some time evaluating why I make poor decisions. Maybe I can get this figured out.
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