I started smoking regularly in late Jan this year when I found out my Mum has 3 weeks to live. She was diagnosed quite suddenly with small cell lung cancer that had spread to tumours in her spine and brain. Her initial diagnosis they maybe she might have a couple of months. But meeting with all the different teams at the hospital within a week and a half the head oncologist one day said that she now only has a matter of weeks.
The treatment plan was then to transfer her to palliative cancer hospital ASAP.
One day I thought she had a couple of months and the next day I’m told she has only a couple of weeks.
I broke. Hard.
That day I was asked to take her things home which included her cigarettes and that was it. I realised though that after a couple of days into smoking her pack I might die before she did- they were horizon red or purple! So I did some research to find out what the lowest amount was and ended up on JPS25 menthol. I never liked menthol but I made myself adjust so that others couldn’t smell it- easier to conceal.
I’m her only child so all of the hard stuff that is never had to do- bills, wills, clearing the house, cancelling all things , organising funerals, telling people my mum has died...a heavy burden.
Mum passed in Feb 7 and I still miss her.
I know that she would worry that I’m ruining the health that I’m lucky to have.
I don’t know if this is what I’m supposed to say or share but it’s true. And it’s hard. Having a cheeky smoke with mum when I’d go visit for lunch or dinner are also part of my memories of her.
I have lots of others too I think I need to try and focus on them better.
Anyway, I feel it’s now time to try and get back to being a non smoker again.
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