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South Eastern Sydney

How to support my partner to quit?

Posted in Getting started 19 Oct 2018


I am looking for tips and advices. I don’t smoke but my partner does, about 10-15 cigarettes a day.

We have been together for 3 years now and smoking has been a huge issue for us and has put us apart.

I have been trying to make him quit for the past 2,5 years with no luck. I know He needs to do it for himself and not for me, but he lives his life as it comes, thinking that tomorrow could be the last day so why bother quitting when he enjoys it today.

He tried many techniques 1,5 years ago - champix, hypnosis, acupuncture, Allen Carr seminar, vaping (with and without nicotine) but has only been able to quit for a couple of weeks max.

I know I have put pressure on him which I regret now but when I did not say anything and let him to do something about it by himself, it got worse...

I just don’t know what else I can do now because our relationship is at its worse. I can’t see a future with someone that is likely to die in 10 years. I can’t see myself starting a family and have kids with him as I won’t want to let him holding my baby and expose him to the toxicants of smoke. I won’t take the risk of ending up as a single mum because he died of a heart attack, living his family behind just because he enjoyed smoking too much. This sounds just ridiculous to me...

We have stopped kissing and hugging because of the smell on him that would make me upset. We don’t have fun anymore because there is always this underlying issue that is destroying everything we had.

We are both so frustrated about it, and he does not put any effort into it anymore so I don’t know what I should do, if maybe it’s time for us to move on? I know I will never be able to accept it, I can’t love and care about someone that is letting himself die. It is contradictory.

I have tried to accept it but it never worked. I know I cant because it is so illogic; accepting he will die rather than him fighting to live.

We are far away from each other at the moment and he tells me that it doesn’t help him to make any effort to quit so he basically wants things to improve for him to try again. I do think that if things were amazing between us he would have more will to try but I also think this is just excuses, because even if things are great tomorrow, work might not be and that would be the excuse like it has been before.

I am really lost of what should I do next because I believe this is a circle, things will never get better between us if he does not put any effort into it. And he will never quit if things are not getting better between us...

Any advices from anyone who have been through this?

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  • Robn October 19, 2018 | 16:57
    Hi Cgcg23,
    The only thing I can tell you is you can’t make someone else want to quit any addiction, if they don’t want to. It is the same for any addiction, the only way to Quit is if you really want to quit for yourself. All the reasons you have are very valid....but are the only one in that relationship that is thinking that way. I had smoked for many husband has never smoked and hated it with a passion. I had many attempts at quitting over the years, mostly to keep my husband happy but I never lasted, because I was trying for the wrong reasons. I am now nearly 6 months quit and I know I will never smoke again ever.
    This is my decision, my journey and mine alone. Hope things work out for you both.
  • Leeann , Central Coast October 19, 2018 | 20:51
    Hi Cgcg23 unfortunately I feel your partner has to want to quit because they want to, not because someone else wants them to in order to be successful. In life we are all free spirits with freedom of choice and yes you want your partner to quit because you love him. I have quit smoking but my husband still smokes, I do not nag him to quit as it is his choice. I understand it seems to be a deal breaker for you but only you can know what is best for your relationship. I wish you both all the very best. Take care
  • Red-67 October 19, 2018 | 22:43
    The cold hard truth, as a non smoker, you can not really understand the power, and control, smoking has on him. As a smoker, even though he has been exposed to all the right truths, he can't really understand why it is such a big deal for you.. Life is too short, to be unhappy.. You can't make it an ultimatum, but, you can choose to leave, and find happiness. If he really cares for you, HE may CHOOSE to quit, to get you back..
    It has to be his choice. He has to want to quit. This is not just a nicotine addiction. That's the easy part. It is a powerful habit, fueled by the nicotine.. We are, or were, addicted to SMOKING, and until some light goes off in our head, can not realize that we are, or were, just a slave to a tube of tobacco..
    You deserve to be happy, and unfortunately, even as a blind, stupid slave to a smoke, he does too :) I know, I was one for 45+ years ..
  • Cgcg23, South Eastern Sydney October 20, 2018 | 9:05
    Thank you for your comments.
    I understand it has to come from him, but after.3 years together I am still waiting and can’t wait any more because we keep fighting about it.
    We both deserve to be happy and this is probably not possible together as we both get so frustrated at each other. He wants me to accept it, thinking that he would never be able to quit, and I want him to quit, thinking I would never be able to accept it.
    So we are working against each other and unfortunately there is no middle ground possible here...accepting him to smoke a cigarette here and then is not possible as he can’t restraint himself to only have a few.
    It is a hard decision to take because it is scary and I might have regrets later but I think we need to continue on different path as we will never be happy together if we can’t work on it together.
  • DAB57 October 20, 2018 | 13:54
    Hi Cgcg23. I am sorry for your dilemma but I have to say that i agree with other posts and your own knowledge that this decision can only come from your partner. I also have to ask did he smoke when you first met and started the relationship? Smoking is an addiction and a very hard addiction/habit to break. However, one can break the habit, but only when they are ready and realise that smoking is disgusting. I am 4 months smoking/nicotine free now after smoking for 47 years. In saying that, my mother and others around me used to badger me to stop smoking, that only made me smoke more as it made me stress out. It was only when I decided that I hated everything about them that I was able to quit. I wish you both the very best in your lives, whether together or apart.

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