I have relapsed

My start date was today and everything went well at the beginning. Got rid of the packets and lighter. Made sure I was well hydrated and was pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t feeling that itchy for a cig.

Everything changed as I approached the 10 hour mark and I officially lit up again at 5.40pm.

I have decided to take this as a knock back despite my previous post stating I was going to give up.

This attempt opened my eyes to a few things.

1- my cravings/montage of all the good times I smoked hit around the 10-12 hour mark. I am not sure why this is but it’s definitely a pattern I have noticed.

2- I start getting this sickly sweet taste in my mouth and there seems to be some weird brain zaps that happen that lead to feeling light headed.

3- my appetite decreases severely and I become weak.

4- all the wonderful experiences of cigarettes run through my mind like a montage. Having a smoke outside of the colosseum in Rome, after devouring lasagna near the leaning tower of Pisa, going into a pub in Spain where you could still smoke indoors, having a cig after eating pretzels and bratwurst in Germany. Smoking in my hotel room under the bathroom vent in Dubai due to hot weather outside, smoking at the villa in Bali.

I have been to numerous places in the past where the only constant was cigarettes and for some reason, my brain starts to romanticise all of these times and I find myself feeling like I don’t know what life is like without the cigarette.

I need to put together a more detailed plan now that I know the traps awaiting me and I have decided on a new quit date of 1st day of May 2023.

I will not stop until I STOP smoking. No matter how hard it is or how bereft I feel.