"I want my mind back..."

... that's my mantra as I continue quitting.

My names Collin. I am quitting smoking. I want clarity in my thoughts. I have been smoking for the last 3 years, ended up 10-15 cigarettes a day, but I didn't REALLY count them until I wanted to quit. Rationalising the number of cigarettes, or TRYING to, helped me actually make the decision to revise that number to 0.

I sing. I love music. I write music. Smoking robbed me of a lot of my upper range. My falsetto notes were weakened at first, and then my range decreased after the first year. Funny... I remember saying to myself "as soon as smoking effects my voice, I will quit"... that was two years ago.

I want my mind back. I am only 27, and I started smoking as a dependency through a very difficult time. I was made redundant in my IT career, I was maxe redundant in a 7 year relationship with the love of my life... I was made redundant in lice itself. In 2011 I was a social smoker, only buying packs to share with others and gifting the packs away wben the night ended. In 2012, life rejected me - or so it seemed - and my anger, depression, anxiety, confusion - every damned emotion under the sun helped manifest an addiction to cigarettes... that was April 2012.

Im now im April 2014. And I want my mind back. My voice back. Myself back.

I went to the doctor on Monday (3 days ago) and declared my intent to quit. Gave me a prescription for Champix. I took a blood test at his advice on that day too, so I'll actually have the benefit of seeing the exact difference in my blood as I continue to quit (effective motivator for me, I'm a nerd lol).

I started Champix 2 days ago and was amazed. I had 7 cigarettes left in my packet. I decided to never buy another pack and see how long those 7 cigs lasted me. Well, I had two in the morning and instantly hated them. Uncharacteristically, I waited 5 hkurs before sparking up another two, which I STILL could only taste the smoke, feel the ridiculousness of the movement of putting a stick of smoke in my face - tbe entire experience was ruined. Which I was frustrated with. I hated the fricking pill for ruining my smokes. But that was not MY mind speaking. Not the mind I want to return.I had insomnia and ended up waiting until the effects of champix were at their wweakezt and finished the other 3 in the pack at 2 in the morning... yep, weak moment...

Yesterday I made good on my promise to myself. I didnt buy another pack. Right now im on the 28th hour of being smoke free on champix because a) I know how pointless smoking on the tablet will be - I wont enjoy it b) I want my voice back. I want to sing clearly again and c) I want my mind back. I want the world to again have its crystal clarity and my thoughts to be my own.

Day two is going to be rough. Thats why I joined this site just now. To help me cope.

Thanks for rreading.