scared

I don't really know how this all works, but figured confronting this with a self confession might be a good way to start. My name is Jenni and I have been smoking for about 20 years now, I have 2 beautiful daughters, and a partner, and am living in a very small rural town in NSW. For the past 6 years I have quit on and off, my most successful attempt through hypnosis which lasted for about a 9 months, and I really liked the person that I was becoming. Unfortunately I enjoyed smoking, I enjoyed the escape from my reality, the justification of telling myself that it  was my 5 minutes to be me, to get away from the kids or whatever it was that I felt needed reward (I know it sounds silly) like finishing the cleaning, and I started back up. I have played this situation over and over again in my head, I guess because I had quit I thought I could control it, like social smokers could. The worst part, is that I hid it from everyone, I would wait until my husband had gone out and hide to "enjoy" my cigarette, a bit like teenagers trying to hide something. Mark would work next door and would sometimes come home and catch me, or find out where I had hidden my packet. I would react with embarrassment and apologies, and would be determined to commit this time, but as I said I have been caught out about 8-10 times now, and resort back to the same sort of secretive behaviour. 

I'll spare you all the sorry story of our 3 miscarriages which funnily enough occurred when I wasn't smoking, but saw it as an excuse to take it back up again. I am now 19 weeks pregnant and Mark caught me going out for a cigarette yesterday, the reality of it and what I have done is really starting to hit. Like most smokers I have justified it in my head that I was only smoking a couple of a very low tar cigarettes a day. The reality and the risks involved with smoking are not always acknowledged by smokers it they were we wouldn't be doing it. 

For the first time Mark is coming with me when we make an appointment with a counsellor, which means alot to me, as I have always wanted to take care of it myself in the past, somehow thinking if you ignore it long enough it would go away. This is the first time I have tried a counsellor and am worried about how confronting it is going to be. I have written this confession to get myself used to taking responsibility for my self, and to hopefully gain support from the other successful authors on this website. Thanks for listening,

Jenni