106
Hello to this existential audience.
I am on day 106.
I stopped cold turkey on Nov 7
No NRT’s for me.
I wanted out, once and for all.
(BTW, I am not an Aussie, but gravitated to this site as I lived there for a few years and love Australia and her people, but anyway…)
I have been reluctant to post.
My reluctance has been because I find it hard to be positive about all this, and I hate to come off like a Debbie Downer. I have a read everyday of posts from people who are/were on the same day as myself. Most people are so positive, doing well, getting through No Mans Land.
They offer so much encouragement to those just starting. I don't want to spoil that for anyone, because this site is a good place.
But although I too am proud of myself, I am also experiencing an immense sadness.
There has been some unplanned synchronicity to my quit:
I was on day 55 on my 55th birthday.
I hit the 100-day milestone on the death anniversary of my father (smoking related, and he has been always on my mind during this quit).
I’m noticing order in all this. Perhaps I am created it, but there is an order nonetheless.
I am yearning for the meaning. Life often gives us the test before it teaches us the lesson, and this has been a real period of testing for me. But the deeper meaning of it all is still murky, and that’s what is consuming me.
I am as stressed as I can ever remember being, panicky, frightened, but I will not return to hiding in the haze. Do I feel like I am denying myself some relief? Perhaps, in moments of colossal self deception, but I know deep down I am not. Smoking is not the relief I need. I need to continue to pursue the meaning!
Upon my readings, most people talk of the addiction, the physical and the mental.
And I understand this. I know I am a world class addict. But I am trying to understand the root CAUSE of why I smoked, with the EFFECT having been the addition. What was behind the decision to have ever begun smoking at all? Why, when it killed my father?
I am a surfer, no longer young but still out there, and very athletic; why would I do that to myself? I love nature and the outdoors. My job requires me to be on the move, and be dynamic, creative, and work closely with many people; why would I engage in something so off-putting, unattractive, and subjugating? What am I running from?
It's a hard thing to admit, but as I think of all the time I wasted smoking, the time suicide, the isolation… I know some form of self-hatred caused it. I wanted to kill myself, kill my potential. I don't like myself enough to have thought the better of ever starting at all. I engaged in a slow form of suicide because I was too gutless to admit these feelings in the first place. And that realization is what is saddening, and I need to own it.
So now I am here, being here, right now, raw. I don't smoke. I don't slowly take my life in puffs. I am living outside of the haze. I am confronted with this painful truth and I am processing it. I think I am doing a bad job of it, but I’m sticking it out and not wavering. And I hope I come out of this a little better, a little happier, calmer, and with a sense of self love. 106 is great, but it’s till day 1 in many regards.
Allan Carr gives better understanding of how we became victims of nicotine addiction. We were young and impressionable. Forgive yourself for succumbing to the allurement of those decades where smoking were glamourized. You did not hate yourself although we knew we hated smoking. Again we believed it was hard to quit, yet here we are in numbers proving them wrong. It is time to take back control of our lives .believe in yourself. Knowledge is understanding and the key to freedom. You can most certainly prevail.
I remember the ads on TV where Hoges was saying "anyhow, have a Winfield" . Not just him, heaps of sports were sponsored by the cigarette companies.
My mum smoked, my dad, my grandparents, almost all of my uncles and aunties.
The odds were stacked against us. I don't blame myself for starting. I feel tremendous sorrow and self loathing for not stopping sooner than I did. Weak.
Thank goodness it's not like that now. Youth of today have none of that. I am gobsmacked when I see young people smoking. Didn't Healthy Harold teach you anything???
I am curious why so many non-aussies come to this site. Surely there are similar sites in other countries? And other states in AU besides NSW? I mean, I know how awesome Australia is, and thank my lucky stars every day to be born here, but why aren't all countries providing a site and support like this?
I joined a Canadian Cancer Society Group first and was banned for reasons unclear. Thankfully, I found this much better site with a way to actually follow the stories. I wouldnt waste my time on their poor site now. Maybe they got something out of supporting nrt's. Cold turkey I spoke of was not encouraged. ICan Quit is the best around and rivaled by none.
This is an outstanding site! People are so supportive, polite, and genuine. The layout is simple and very effective. There is probably something like it here in the US, but I'd be nervous they'd track me down, hand it over to my insurance and I'd never get medical care because they'd increase my rates to where I couldn't afford.
Hello there and welcome to this site. To be truthful I too was trying to find out the reason why I couldn't overcome this when I have overcome so many other things in my life. I needed a better understanding of myself on this, in the process I have enjoyed the help of others on this site who exuded positivity and eventually took some reading on board.
For me the understanding came from watching the video "How to grow to be a happy Smoker" presented by NASIO DAVIS its on U-tube from TedxUniversityofPirasus This gave me the answer to my question, I had to be very honest in my appraisal and it appears my self belief was sadly lacking in a lot of things. From there I developed my own Mantras and finally ended up with a borrowed one NOPE (NOT ONE PUFF EVER) This meant I could go back over the feeling spectrum of events which seemed to have hampered me on the way. I am nearly one year smoke free now and a big event is looming in the future, so I remind myself that no matter what! - "I do not want another Puff ever" Smoking won't bring relief from any stress it only adds to it, in other words it is just another problem that you have to contend with while you are dealing with the one in front of you. Stay close
Hi Monty,
Good on you for sharing. I know those feelings. I've given up smoking a couple of weeks ago and pot smoking about 10 days ago. I too am a world class addict. I've given up smoking before, only to find I started drinking, and drinking til I was on more than a bottle of wine every night. Then I swapped the 'bitch for the witch' - that's what my sister's rehab called it. This time, trying to find other things to do, I went to play pokies. Doh. I'm so impressed you managed to go cold turkey. I'm on champix (which i banned in some countries) It makes me throw up every morning and sweat buckets at night but I don't care because it deals with the additional depression /anxiety that giving up can give. It sounds to me like you could go to a counsellor or Dr. if you feel so low that you have suicide ideation. I had to see someone about it. My dr. said that the disgusting cigs provide a tiny, short lasting yet addictive form of anti depressant. Then the self disgust and shame comes in. My parents didn't smoke or drink or do any illicit drugs. I didn't get into it when advertising targeted people. I was over 30 and knew the dangers. This adds to the guilt. My dr. said my guilt is part of the problem and not at all useful in making new starts. I tried to join the champix site but it baffled me and they probably would ban me for talking about the vomiting and nightmares. Glad I found this site.
I AM GLAD YOU FOUND THIS SITE TOO AND I BELIEVE IT WORKS. RED IS RIGHT WE CAN CHOOSE AND LIVE FOR TODAY AND BETTER TOMORROWS FOR OURSELVES AND THOSE WE LOVE.