Health scares/anxiety/withdrawal

Hi everyone. I am posting this since I hope it will ease some people’s concerns if they have a similar experience. As for some context, I am generally a highly stressed and anxious person, probably drink more than I should, and am just over 100 days smoke free. I am 45 years old and smoked pretty much a pack a day for 30 years but paradoxically always active. My parents were heavy smokers as well so I grew up in the environment. I remember as a kid walking down the stairs from my bedroom and seeing my parents and friends sitting at the table playing cards with a blue haze of cigarette smoke wafting above them and filling the room. In retrospect I’ve probably “smoked” since the day I was born. My dad died when he was 50 of lung cancer and my mom at 65 from pancreatic cancer. Here is my quit story (so far)...

Prior to my quitting I had a doctor’s appointment with my GP, just a general checkup. It was after a particularly heavy night out. At the appointment, after checking my chest, he was concerned about the state and sound of my lungs and scheduled me for a pulmonary lung function test (PFT). He also referred me to an ENT because I had scabbing in my nose that was not healing and some extra bloodwork. Also at this appointment we noticed I had a pretty prominent hard mass where my rib meets my sternum which I had never noticed before. He felt it was a result of some sort of previous injury (which I have no recollection of) and wasn’t too concerned. So a lot to take in after this appointment. I went to my ENT appointment and he said the scabbing was just due to dryness but while I was there he discovered a suspicious nodule in my throat that he wanted to remove and test. Needless to say, being an anxious person and with my history, my mind began to do its irrational work. By that I mean freak out. This was however what scared me into quitting. Fast forward about a month and the mass on my sternum started to hurt and swell (probably due to me constantly pushing and probing and feeling it) and I still hadn’t had the nodule in my throat removed and tested or my PFT. I went back to my GP and he still seemed unconcerned about the mass as he felt it was bone and cartilage. Nevertheless he booked an ultrasound and chest x-ray for peace of mind. This is where things went entirely off the rails for me…

This is a spoiler alert - If there is one thing anyone takes from this, it’s that I implore you to not Google your symptoms. Just DON’T do it, especially if you are prone to anxiety. If you look hard enough, your symptom(s), whatever they may be, can always relate back to terminal cancer. Always. I did this and it turned my life into a wreck. If you have concerns go to your doctor. If you don’t like your doctor, go to another one. Just don’t self-diagnose.

Back to my story. So in the course of about a two week period I had to do a PFT, have minor throat surgery and an ultrasound and chest xray. I went for the PFT first. The technician was really nice and could sense my anxiety. She ended up whispering that my lung function was 100% normal but that I would have to go back to my GP for the “official” results. In my mind that was a miracle but it still didn’t make me feel any better about the mass on my chest and nodule in my throat. Next was the ultrasound. This time the technician was very quiet and professional. I was trying to read her expressions but I got nothing. In fact she asked if I was supposed to get a chest x-ray. I said yes that I had one booked at a later day and she suggested I do it immediately while I was already there. This scared me. What did she see that concerned her? This was when I saw a form with my name on it in which I should not have. The dreaded suspicion of cancer form. So I then had my chest x-ray. And that was scary because there were 4 people in the room looking unduly serious and looking at me with pity, or so I though. It wasn’t until later I realized some of these people were students. Nevertheless I went home and just had to wait for the results. The next few days were unbearable. Due to the tests, my incessant preoccupation with Dr. Google, and just being the anxious person I am, I was convinced I was dead. I would have bet my house that I had stage 4 lung cancer that had metastasized to by bones. That’s what the internet said! It was a good thing my kids were with their mom that week (I’m divorced) because I could not function. I could not go to work. I could not eat, sleep, enjoy outside, watch TV. Nothing. And as stupid as it was in retrospect, I went through this myself. I did not call my family or friends or tell anyone except one woman who I am very close with. Fortunately I had connections that made the results come a little quicker. I went back to my GP a few days later, barely able to walk due to fatigue and fear, for the results. As mentioned my PFT results were near perfect (again, a miracle) and the ultrasound and x-ray were also “normal”. Nothing untoward although it still did not explain why the boney lump materialized. Everyone was confident it was not a tumor except me. I still couldn’t grasp it so to be doubly sure my GP booked me for a low dose CT. He said he would not normally do this but due to my anxiety, the way I was feeling, my concern and history, that he felt it was something justifiable. His exact words to me were “I am not worried”. Later that week I had to go in to get my throat nodule removed which was relatively uneventful. Then waited for the results and worried my butt off. One week later and I went to see the ENT for the results and it was benign. Safe again! I finally started to feel normal again when the nausea started. I attributed this to just coming of the patch and finally being completely free of nicotine. I then did my CT scan, got a little worked up waiting for the results, and went to see my GP for the results. Again, all good. So by all accounts I am extremely fortunate that even with all the abuse I’ve done to my body over the years I am healthy for the moment. I am one of the lucky ones.

In thinking back on everything I believe I underestimated the impact of all the withdrawal symptoms and the changes in my body that occurred during this saga and how it messed with me. I did have extremely bad withdrawal throughout although everyone experiences it differently. I’m still going through these changes but with a new found purpose and ease. I still have cravings, I still cough up junk, I still feel my lungs healing. I still have this annoying bone on my sternum. But I also will take all of these scares and emotions I experienced and use them to stay quit and make other healthy adjustments. I can say I never ever want to feel those feelings again. So my pieces of advice are that if you are scared or anxious about your health, go to your doctor. You are more likely than not going to be ok. Make sure you talk to someone or some people. Know that everyone’s withdrawal is different with differing severity. Don’t rely on the standard timelines we all see and just listen to your body. And never ever symptom check on the internet! Ever! Anyways, that’s my story so far. Hopefully it can help some of you more anxious folks out there who gets easily worried! You got this….