Is this normal?
Hey all,
I've not posted for awhile but I'm still smoke free, 4 weeks tomorrow.
I'm wanting to know if what I'm feeling is normal at this stage. I'm still using a patch, can't stand the smell of smoke, loving not wasting money on them and feel much healthier BUT I'm finding it really hard to stay quit. No, I don't mean I'm going out to buy a pack but I'm still missing having one. It's weird, first 2 weeks were tough but I was on a high and proud of myself so that got me through. I'm still dealing with a very personal issue that I wouldn't wish on any parent. It's just tough trying to stay smoke free and going through difficult times. I chose the patch because I spoke with my GP about everything and she's just the best. She advised me with all things considered that it would be the most appropriate method for me.
I dispute each time I see anyone say smoking aids are a cop out. Trying to remain quit no matter how you do it can still be quite tough so if you're new and using something or gone cold turkey, congrats because it's bloody hard work. Sure, it's not on my mind as much as it used to be but I never kid myself and remind myself to always stay on guard.
There are good and bad days.
Here's hoping for better days.
Hi Kim,
I had written a really long reply and somehow I pressed a wrong button and the whole thing disappeared! Argghh...
I understand what you are saying, there were so many times and odd times at that, when I missed smoking. Its completely normal, I mean think of how many years have you smoked, it would make sense you would miss it. It was a huge part of your life. You know its wrong and that in quitting you are doing the right thing but your logical side and emotional side don't always reside on the same page. (mine aren't even in the same book half the time!)
You are doing so well, especially if you have a stressful life. My hats off to you because being a parent is hard but being a parent that's quit smoking and there are other problems involved is a-whole-nother pot of stinky soup...
My stressor is my eldest son who has a serious mental health disorder and the past 7 years have been shocking. There were many times I wanted to smoke, it would have been such a relief but I refused to. Whenever I got a craving I would get mad instead of sad. I got so darn angry at it and it was the best thing I did. I got stubborn and by God I was going to win.
I tried and failed to control things in life that were not mine to control but smoking was one thing I could control and so control it I did.
I now find that I handle stressful situations better, I'm much calmer.
Hang in there, it really does get better. Get stubborn, get angry and be in control.... I'm cheering for you..
Hiya Cranky,
You have no idea how much your post really
helped me!!! You will totally get it now
because my daughter who turned 18 last
August, has always struggled with her mental
health, despite seeing the same counsellor
for years who does not even work in the
area of mental health. She originally was
referred for a traumatic event that occurred
to her but I used to say so many times to
the counsellor that she needs to be seen by
a mental health team because whilst her
mental health is really bad, she's not going
to be ready to unpack the trauma. But my
daughter loves this counsellor and I think
they sort of both seen each other as friends
which is far from a therapeutic relationship.
She has been admitted to hospital twice
in the past 3 years and even they recommended
a mental health team but because they can't
force anything it fell on deaf ears. I have
spent so so many years trying to help her and
we always had such a very close relationship
or so I thought but last November after
a very unhealthy relationship she was in
ended but she fell apart. Again, I tried so
hard to get her help because when she was
admitted, the diagnosis was major depression
with strong signs of Borderline Personality
Disorder. Anyway, she met another guy,
he lives in shared accomodation and within
2 weeks by daughter started to become hostile
and by her choice, left home with no money,
no job and moved in with him. I'm heartbroken
I love her so much but she won't have
anything to do with me or her younger
brothers. It's been such a shock and it's
like I'm grieving even though I know
she's alive. She's out there with no proper
support and friends on social media who
think it's so damn cool to up and leave
like this. She's never even met this group
in person. It's tearing me up but there is
nothing I can do. I get counsellors cannot
break confidence but I see her as being
a serious risk to herself. What would I know
though, I'm just a mum.
I will try your advice because giving in to
the smokes isn't going to bring my beautiful
girl back.
Thank you from my heart x
Hey mate,
Nah nobody will lose this girl. I'm so glad its
normal, I was starting to feel like it's always
going to be this way but that was my
"running on empty" and in overdrive mind
talking.
I've woken this morning feeling heaps
better because I decided last night that I
need some me time for a change and
focus on my boys because they are totally
awesome!!
My nearly 17 year old has amazing values
and at his age, possesses a super high level
of emotional intelligence. He's much taller
than me and often says I'm so proud of my
tiny mum which makes me laugh.
I've seen the negativity only twice in this group
about quit products but overall this is one
very supportive group for sure.
Kim, Borderline is a frightening diagnosis as my son has it along with other personality disorders as well. With your daughter up and leaving and cutting contact (for no reason) this is quite typical of a borderline, i pray for your sake this is not the case.
Of course you're grieving, you have lost your baby girl, you feel helpless as you can see her making horrible mistakes but you cannot stop her.
I can empathise with you, my advice is look after you and your boys. You cannot control her behavior and even though its so painful and it rips at your heart you can only be there for when she realises she needs you. It may seem hard advice but its been well learnt by me and I hope to save you some of the pain.
I have been at logger-heads with the mental health situation in Australia because these kids are so dangerous to themselves and they are unable to help themselves but as a parent we have no power and can do nothing but watch and turn ourselves inside out with worry.
I had to let go, not of him ( never of him), but of the fact that I cannot control this, I can make myself ill with worry and blame and guilt ( for no reason should i feel guilty but hey- I'm a mum) and nothing changes, he doesn't get better or change his behavior, I just get ill from so much stress.
After many years I decided to look after me and my younger son the best way I can. SO i quit smoking. This I can control as it my actions. It feels good to have been able to be in control and make decisions.
I'm so glad that I was able to help you, I too have had to deal with the hospital stays, mental health teams, self harming, suicide attempts, drugs, alcohol - everything that a parent fears and dreads. It's so important to me that I am open about this as so many families go through this in shame and silence not knowing how common it is. I love my son, he has so many problems and his brain is not wired correctly. He was raised in a loving environment and he was supported and encouraged.
Please just watch your boys, they can get caught up in this and with so much energy expelled on your daughter they can feel left out and angry that their Mum is hurting so much. There needs to be more places out there for parents to be able to talk about these issues and get support.
I am a naturally a positive person (thank god!) and i try to be thankful for what I have and smile as much as I can.
Stay smoke free, laugh when you can and control what is yours. You have the power.... My thoughts are with you..
Hey again Cranky,
When she was 15, she was diagnosed with
major depression and emerging BPD. She hated
seeing that mental health team because they
would challenge her thoughts and perceptions.
As soon as she was free of the 6 week
support from them, her counsellor didn't agree
with the diagnosis! I agreed with them
completely and I know she definitely has it.
All of what you have mentioned is the same
for her. Self harm, suicial ideations, fear of
abandonent but also stashing rotting food
products and used hygiene items everywhere
I'm sure you get my drift. You're spot on,
all energies were spent on her and yes, I know
my eldest son felt angry because of her
constant lies. Problem with BPD is that it's
so hard to treat and one of the hardest
disorders for family to cope with. I have
no shame either, I'm a wonderful mum and
deep down she knows this. She also can't
emote, it's like she has zip empathy.
The guy she moved in with, I'm not actually
against. I'm just 2 weeks of them dating
he come to me on 2 occasions really worried
about her state of mind and the fact that
she was still in charge contact with her ex who
is ill himself. I think when I look back, she
became worried that her new boyfriend may
tell me things she didn't want me knowing.
She is controlling him also because he used
to speak with my son but she still soon
put and end to that. He told me last night
that he last had contact with her during
his first week back at school this year and
he's doing VCE. Apparently she said that he
seemed happier without her and that her
mental health should come before his VCE!
He has asked her for now not to contact him.
The breakdown is awful but you're right, there's
not much we can do especially if they try
to control everything themselves. What really
angered me is that Centrelink granted her
the living away from home allowance
without even checking all the circumstances
with me. Kids these days find loopholes for
everything so no wonder there is more
and more homelessness in our society. Years
ago I worked for CAMHS as a mental health
nurse and they quite often never really
involve families. Oh they say they do but
gosh I would have parents crying all the time.
Problem is that they do not have the
resources which are greatly needed.
I agree though, I've got to focus on myself
and my boys which I do heaps, I'm just
missing her so deeply.
You're also right that I can control my choice
not to smoke!
I'm sorry you have experience with this
also but you are right again, parents count, most
are very loving and they too need support.
You're awesome xxx
Hi Wendy,
Thank you for sharing that information and
I am sorry to hear about your families
troubles.
I actually had her boyfriend ring me out
if the blue last night wanting her birth
certificate because she has recently been
diagnosed as having official BPD along
with an eating disorder. Apparently he
took her to Orygen where I used to take
her and I thought they were great but she
never liked them because they challenged
her. She needs the certicate because
they have chosen to attend a private mental
health facility and she will be attending
some kind of program there for awhile.
I told him I just want her better because
I love her so deeply. Apparently she wants
to build contact with me again because
she's realised how much she loves me.
Of course, I'll do anything for that to happen
but I do need a lot of self care right now
until all my tests come back to find
where the clots are coming from.
I don't want her to know about my health,
because I want her to get the help she
desperately needs. I just hope she sticks
to this one.