understanding myself better

I needed to start understanding why I started in the first place, to understand the mental anguish I am going through. The mental part was the toughest for me... still is.

I am now 5 days quit, and on Champix. I am 39 years old, and I started smoking when I was 15, maybe even earlier.

I started smoking because I needed to be the rebel, the anarchist, the anti establishment anti hero of everything your mother ever warned you about. It was as much a comment on the times, post 80's coming out of Apartheid, and the whole archaic mindset.

I equated not smoking with conforming, of being what was expected, a good little soldier, headboy, or 1st team rugby wing.

Mono dimensional.

You cant listen to dark synth music and hard rock and metal in the pub without a cigarette...

I consider myself intelligent, articulate, and discerning, and ended up choosing to become an Architect. Another role where smoking fit in particularly well with the jaded, wearing black, no sleep, long hours.... as well as the asinine, ascerbic and incisive wit and rehtoric I could now wield...

Smoking was part of my identity, always...

Giving that up, was losing a part of myself. I still struggle with it today, this is my second quit attempt in 3 years. (Previous one lasted 8 months).

One divorce and another happy marriage, I feel there might be hope. Im turning 40, not a kid anymore. I am in an executive position, and things are changing...

Which brings me to my reason for quitting, my problem with authority.... (I am supposed to be the only autority in my life thank you very much).... I couldn't live with myself not being able to say no... no to smoking that last one before bed, getting up in the middle of the night to go and buy smokes from the petrol station...

Being powerless to control my constant state of rage, anger and anxiety.

Hopefully this brings the momentous channge that is required for entering midlife. Hopefully happier, and a better rounded individual.... before I physically attack someone.