No More Panic

When I decided to free myself of smoking again I thought about what causes me the most anxiety and caused that quiet panic we as smokers experience.  The first action for me was to let myself run out of cigarettes every single day. You know as a smoker the last few in a pack cause the quiet panic.. "oh god I have to run the the quickie mart and the baby is asleep. Tomorrow is a hoilday the store will be closed I better get a few packs".  After a year or so of running out that panic was gone because every time I told myslef I wasn't dying I was just out of cigarettes. The next source of anxiety involved smoking in the house before leaving. "did I put that cigarette out? Am I going to come home to a pile of ashes where my house once sat?" This was a daily source of anxiety,  I regularly had to turn the car around and come back in the house to make sure everything was extinguished.  I hated this loss of control of my thoughts. 

Every single night I repeated "I am a non smoker" till I fell asleep. I tried to notice how I felt in the morning. It was always the same, i felt awful til I got past the first 2 or 3 morning smokes. 

 It is important to note that this is my third quit so I had a very clear picture of what I would be going through when I finally made the leap into non-smoker land. The withdrawl symptoms I knew on a personal level caused me fear and a huge sense of impending doom. I knew about the mood swings that caused me to be mean to my kids and leave me feeling guilty. 

 Seven weeks ago I got laid off. Out of work for the first time in my life. Single mom living paycheck to paycheck and no more paycheck.  Surprisingly enough my first reaction was one of elation. I felt free. On my way to tell my mom, a 2 pack a day die hard smoker, I realized I would no longer have the money to smoke. I was thrilled!   That day at mom's house I smoked my last cigarette. I replaced them with little cigars sold individually and much cheaper.  My theory was 2 or 3 little cigars cost less and lasted longer than cigarettes. 

 What evolved over the past few weeks has been my blessing.  The cigars don't feel the same as cigarettes so my hand to mouth habit had been disrupted.  They taste really awful so the well known taste of the after meal cigarette was gone.   It was clear to me that my affair with smoking was coming to an end but  I was terrified to go through those first few days of withdrawl.

 On a whim I googled free stop smoking help to find there were several progams available. I called the first 800 number I came to and got a great coach who reccomended the NRT patches for me. I  asked about the cost and was delighted to hear the price had dropped  in the past several years. Off the the corner drug store with my 5 dollar coupon. I got the first week of NRT patches for just over 19 dollars and stared at them for ahour or so. Then hid them in my dresser for the rest of the evening. That night I put on my first patch and have been smoke free for 3 days. 

I am extremely tired and have had wild dreams but I am happy. I just know this will be my last battle with withdrawl but not my last with the urge.

I no longer have to worry about all that anxiety causing stuff . I no longer stink, I no longer feel panic. I do feel tired but I know this will pass so I am being gentle with myself.

 How funny,  the one event that should cause me panic  turned out to bring me great joy in the knowledge that I could no longer spend money on smoking.