For whatever reason, smoking really does not help anyone
After more than 2 months smoke free I made it through one more day again. I'm alone right now. Its later evening and this is one of the most difficult times for me. I've written here quite often but I won't apologise for it because thats what we are here for. We are different from others by the fact we are addicts. We are here to share our quit experiences. I want to increase my weaponry so coming here is part of turning up for the military exercise and debriefing. I must not think that the war is over yet because the battles (although smaller than before) are always raging on! The fake roaring lion does his rounds still making his noise , prowling around waiting for someone to devour. The truth is that I also have something to Roar about. I need to find my voice and proclaim louder and clearer
I know that its important for me at this moment to fight the "poor old me" attitude and "nobody cares anyway" so I want to replace my stinky attitude by gratitude. I've got over 2 months quit in me already so I have to remind myself how much ground I've already gained. So, here goes! I'm gonna list out what has improved so far from going cold turkey, putting down cigarettes and abstaining from nicotine in any form.
Its definitely improved my confidence. Since my breath does not stink so easily anymore, its easier to be closer to someone. The other day I was so close to someone that I noticed they spit on my while they talk. This means that my powers of observation have increased by not smoking. I was in the pub while they talked and it was encouraging that I could actually see they are spitting on me while talking. I think I would of missed that in the past. Fortunately it was a good looking woman who dressed becomingly and had nice breath, so it wasn't so bad from a psychological point of view.
I can smell again! I love smelling flowers and cut grass. Last month I remember smelling cut grass for the first time in years. It brought back memories of my teenage days. My sense of smell has come back, so I'm also smelling body odour. The other day I was cycling behind some dude and I could smell his horrible sweat in the air. It crossed my mind that the only reason I can smell it is because I've quit smoking. At least I could smell, even if it was bad!
I don't cough anymore, my breathing is starting to improve and I can concentrate if needed for longer periods than before.
I've also found that I am beginning to be able to make conscious decisions more easily about what I like and don't like. I think that since I am "choosing" not to smoke on a daily basis, I'm also becoming more aware of my own will. When I used to smoke, I could blur a situation so that it did not matter e.g. maybe I'd spend a lot of time with someone I honestly don't like very much. I could spend time with anyone as long as I had ciggies so that I could blow a nicotine laced smoke wall between them and myself. I'd tell myself that smoking would deaden the pain the other guy is causing my emotions. I'd think that everyone is not too bad as long as I can smoke.
Over the last few weeks this has changed. I am now deciding to avoid certain people and I am not talking about smokers. I'm talking about people that do me no good. People who drain me, people who make me feel fearful and worthless. I need to get away from them at this time to build up enough strength to be able to face them and their kin in the future. I am not scared of them but I need some time to build up my convictions. Giving up the cigarettes seems to me right now a journey not only about discovering my addiction but also a personal discovery. I need to stay away or avoid listening/ paying attention to people who drag me down.
Its late at night, I'm going to get on my bicycle and go for a long slow ride near around the neighbourhood. I must remember not to go too fast, to enjoy the ride and to make sure I have a drink to sip on as lose water by sweating.
The above are some of my thoughts (the better ones) and I guess that sharing the "arguments" in my mind might be helpful to someone. I think we need to speak to ourselves about this addiction and reason things out to come out a winner. Speaking to others also helps me. I remember following someone's blog on the internet who quit for 30 days (http://www.iquit-smoking dot com/nicotine-withdrawal-day-10.html) and I found strength from his reasoning. I also find strength here when you fellow quitters remind me of whats important.
thanks for sharing MC, hope you had a good ride :)
I was soooo sick 35 days ago when I quit I couldn't make it to the letter box I was puffed, I do not know what its like to die from smoking , emphysema etc.. I expect very slow and painful.
so tonight I was out doing some mild exercise and did the same last night and spent all day in bed today recovering so I could go again tonight, anyway I find myself beating me up for my day in bed, and then I hear the voice that cares about me say, its like you where in a huge accident with years of trauma from it.
so be very nice to yourself and do not beat yourself up about some time frame to recover it will take awhile and its ok , do what you can and rest and you will get stronger day by day, but most of all be very very kind to yourself, not like that person who was killing you with smokes that's not who you are anymore, that person is gone, the person in charge now wants good things for you.
sound like I am nutts too :) but I don't think I have been more saner in my whole life.
thanks for the late night share MC !!
IC
Thanks IC for sharing back. I've often made myself sick exercising too much, even as a smoker. I'm not one for half measures and I've always had an impulsive character. I don't like being calculative and often do things on the spur of the moment e.g. go on holiday. I think over exercising was my way of punishing myself for smoking. Punishing myself means exerting my body to its uttermost limits and often it takes a few days to recover..LOL! I've also punished myself by overworking in the past. Should we call this "Smoker's Guilt?" Wow, this is so cool writing about it because maybe its true that smokers have guilt from smoking but its repressed.
Today I enjoyed my bike ride. I did not go too fast and did not strain myself. I think thats the key for me!
I think our discussions are like getting the beast out into the open so that we can all recognise its a beast and call it for what it is, rather than trying to figure it out alone.
my mate is like 2 weeks off the smokes and we started talking about stopping and he said talking about it makes me want one, I said we are talking about solutions not how to make money to go buy some and he said no I just don't want to talk about I just want to pretend it never happened.
I said ok if you had cancer and didn't want to talk about it in the hope it would go away would that work for you?
I told him the truth shall set you free bringing this stuff out in to the light is how to heal, keeping it hidden is what it wants that's how it gains power.
I explained we need to heal physically emotionally and spiritually from this sickness and it is a sickness of the mind and body I am sure, its my mind that made me smoke and my body that wanted more, so I take away the physical craving after how long a week?
its emotionally, its my mind that wants to smoke, so for me that means my mind is sick , and learning to heal my mind by sharing how I feel , understanding there's other ways to think , learning to be nice to myself, not beating myself up, when you think about it its no different than cutting or taking heroin, its a sign something's not right inside.
humans are funny creatures we avoid pain at all costs and most of the things we use to avoid pain cause more pain in the long term so we have to deal with that then what we were covering up.
my story is long like everyone's and wont go to far in to it here, but there is abuse of several kinds and other issues that smoking helped me not deal with, I know what most of them are and stopping smoking is another level of healing for me, I have had other addictions I have stopped through the years and smoking is the last real bad one to go, and its not easy but it is doable and I have to get honest, doesn't have to be here, I have used lifeline in the past to talk about my stuff, consolers, friends who will understand and not shame me more and they are usually people who have done some of their own healing work.
so for the above reasons if we and I say we as in everyone who has ever smoked doesn't deal with this stuff to some degree they will smoke again and that's why we see so many fail or are not able to quit because they think smoking is the problem , when really its just a symptom of other things.
I know I bash on about this and for me I have to learn a new way of dealing with life now and my past, and for the most part I need some help, being here, lifeline, quitline, consoler etc.. its not weak to say I need help or don't have all the answers it takes courage and strength and most of all trust.
so no at 5 am I will try sleep some more not bash on me and hope my words may help someone else and as you are doing MC by sharing your story that helps others that is part of how we heal :) so well done keep up the great work and keep sharing !!
PS I didn't proof this so :)
IC
for me right now a lot of my healing is just physical as I still can hardly breathe and the other stuff smoking does to us, I have rung lifeline several times to talk as well, I think we get what we need if we are 100% willing to stop.
so just healing my body from the smoking trauma is a huge slow job, and just understanding that and being nice as I can to me right now is helping me no end, and dealing with the emotional stuff as it comes along.
sorry just needed to add that.
IC
Hey IC,
I've had this dream again where I went back to smoking. Who knows how many times I've had this recurring dream. In the dream, I simply light up because I forgot that I'd given up smoking and then I remember that I am an ex-smoker and start hating myself for being so careless.
I believe that I am only one puff away from being held captive to my addiction again. I've seen a smoking friend give up for years and then just smoke a pack for one night and then never smoke again. I know its possible but thats definitely not me! I don't think it works like that for me. In fact, I'd rather be on the safe side in regards to this and prefer to be accused of being too fundamentalist about it i.e. I am only one drag away from being hooked again.
My cousin stopped smoking for a few days because he did not have enough money to buy cigarettes. I don't have his money issue and don't care about the savings and if I had no money to buy cigarettes I would find a way and probably pick up cigarette butts from the floor and make my own roll ups from the old tobacco. Yes, I've done that many times. I've also smoked cigs from the ashtray, even if I was only able to get one drag. I'll smoke an ecig, chew tobacco or do anything to get nicotine in my bloodstream. That is how desperate I am.
62 days today without cigarettes, nicotine or any form of medication. I am riding the cold turkey train for another day. I wonder what this day will bring!
MC, I am just like you get the drug how ever, good news is that people like us have a better chance of stopping and staying stopped, because we know the level of addiction that's unrelenting, those that can just stop and start, I don't understand what that is !!
one puff I am screwed its off to the races and there's no saying I ever stop again I probably die from it, money doesn't stop addicts , Gov. is just milking the fat cow.
they put how much of that tax back in to helping people stop 5% LOL nicotine addicts they are too !!
well done on the 62 days cold turkey, I am 36 , so if I can do what I did the last 36 days I will go to bed smoke free tonight.
happy smoke free day today for us all !!
IC
I am going thru terrible feeling at my chest after 38th day of non smoking. When ever I hear or see a ambulance or a hospital I used to feel that something might go wrong with me. ... That's a terrible feeling at the age of 35 ...