here I am again!
It sux being at square one again- since I last wrote I have had a beautiful baby bot who is healthy and truly completes our family. I was happy and in a really happy place and couldn't believe my strength and determination. It was my one dirty secret, that was mine and mine alone and no one could control it except for me. I felt like I could do anything. I took it one day at a time and counted each day as a success.
Then we were transferred to where we had always wanted to be in Woombah, but again Mark's job dictated where we would live (as it did when I spent 3 years in the country) and we had to rent a house in Maclean which is where he is an ambulance officer. I didn't want to move and he did, so it was move or separate. I resented being told I had to make sacrifices, as I felt I had made many since we started our family- quitting a job I loved, moving away from friends and family in Sydney to support his then job of being a lifeguard manager, supporting him during his six weeks of training in Sydney while I was in Cabarits looking after 2 young children and still working nights in the bistro, moving to the country for 3 years and finally moving to Maclean rather than Woombah which is where we both wanted to reside. I felt like I had no control over anything, and turned back to my dirty little secret for support. The relief quickly turned into habit again, and I am the type of smoker to hide it from everyone so they can't judge me and in reality I am not forced to judge myself.
Today my partner found my hiding spot and confronted me, at first I was angry, then embarressed, and as I am sitting here writing I am finally relieved that the secret is out and I am dealing with it. He showed my children the packet of cigarettes, and they were so forgiving and full of love for me, begging me to give up so that I can watch them grow up. They are my everything and if I am reducing my time with them by smoking then it is not only me who is losing out, but ultimately it is for me that I must quit and stay quit.
It's amazing how quickly you can take it back up again like an old friend the comfort is real. I have told my husband that I do not want to be treated like a child during this process as there were some very real issues that led to this moment. He is trying I know in the only way that he knows how which is to take control, but if I am going to do this right then it is me who has to take control and make decisions for myself.
I wish everyone luck who is trying to quit and quit again, its not easy and at the end of the day it is a decision that you have to make for yourself. As I sit here I am feeling strong as I have again taken the first step, wish me luck
I certainly wish you luck. You have had a trying time but you cannot have just one cig.
Thanks for sharing your story Jen. You now know what triggered you to start again, so don't get caught again by those filthy dirty un-friends!! Good luck - not that I think you need it- You sound like a strong person.
Oh Jen - you made me all teary. I know what you mean about the kids. I love my kids with everything i have but i still smoked and i felt guilty with each puff which inturn led me to smoke even more... Its a good thing that they have all supported you that has to be a positive for you. You will do it. Like mentioned above you are aware of the triggers and yes your situation was real and heart felt but its now time to stop making excuses as to why you did do it again so you stop falling back into that. You telling your story and being honest is a major step in the right direction. Dont beat yourself up over falling off the wagon - thats what life is about...learning to get back up. And you have..you go girl. Im proud of you. We are all unknown to eachother but all share a bond and know eachothers pain deep down. We are right beside you - go strong, go hard!
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your support and kind words. I truly feel this is part of the healing process, talking to educated and empathetic listeners who share similar experiences. Empathy is preferred over the sympathy of a non smoker who can not relate to the addiction at all. So far all is going well, if you count each and every minute, those applications are fantastic, and addictive in a good way.
So far am feeling good and have started to think about how I will deal with the major triggers (time to myself and arguing with Mark). He made a low blow about my falling off the wagon last night and suprisingly I was convicted in my response. I told him that I didn't smoke anymore and that excuse would no longer be an appropriate means to belittle me- felt really good!