I know what I have

I've been here before...

I gave up for almost 3-years about 10 years ago.

Since then i've given up for 9 months, then about 12 months, and a few periods of days, several weeks, a month here and there.

I guess i don't have a lot of will power... i struggle with weight as well.

I also have leant on replacements, and other prescribed drugs to allow me the brief periods of non-smoking in the past... i've never relied on my own mind.

Yet, here I am, i have a masters degree, i am in a very highly paid executive role, have managed to persuade my own children never to smoke, support others in their giving up successes, but i've never actually ever trusted my own brain to do the righty, and steer me in the right direction to give the cancer sticks the flick.

I've often wondered if it's all tied up with my imposter syndrome, that serious self-doubt belief that i don't deserve what i have, that it's not really me who's achieved all of this, that i don't really deserve much at all, that i really should be doomed to a life of chronic illness, and not fanfare.

Or is it that my mind sees these horrible cigarettes as my buddies? After all, they're there when i am happy and having the best times (just like my mates), and they're also there when the bottom falls out of my world, when i am grieving (just like my mates).

And those who care will say "but they are false friends", and so how is it that my very own brain tells me different.

This nicotine is a terrible and powerful drug - how did we ever get to this point.

I want to embrace my non-smoking self, but at the same time i just want to scream... smoking makes me hate myself more, and this self-loathing imposter continues to spiral out of control.

I am going to try again tomorrow, but this time with nothing but a battle with my own mind. Wish me well :-)