Grief and smoking to cope
Hello,
I started smoking regularly in late Jan this year when I found out my Mum has 3 weeks to live. She was diagnosed quite suddenly with small cell lung cancer that had spread to tumours in her spine and brain. Her initial diagnosis they maybe she might have a couple of months. But meeting with all the different teams at the hospital within a week and a half the head oncologist one day said that she now only has a matter of weeks.
The treatment plan was then to transfer her to palliative cancer hospital ASAP.
One day I thought she had a couple of months and the next day I’m told she has only a couple of weeks.
I broke. Hard.
That day I was asked to take her things home which included her cigarettes and that was it. I realised though that after a couple of days into smoking her pack I might die before she did- they were horizon red or purple! So I did some research to find out what the lowest amount was and ended up on JPS25 menthol. I never liked menthol but I made myself adjust so that others couldn’t smell it- easier to conceal.
I’m her only child so all of the hard stuff that is never had to do- bills, wills, clearing the house, cancelling all things , organising funerals, telling people my mum has died...a heavy burden.
Mum passed in Feb 7 and I still miss her.
I know that she would worry that I’m ruining the health that I’m lucky to have.
I don’t know if this is what I’m supposed to say or share but it’s true. And it’s hard. Having a cheeky smoke with mum when I’d go visit for lunch or dinner are also part of my memories of her.
I have lots of others too I think I need to try and focus on them better.
Anyway, I feel it’s now time to try and get back to being a non smoker again.
So sorry for your loss M84. So sad and of course a shock like that can weaken your resolve. As you say, you have other good memories besides having a cheeky smoke, so concentrate on those and give up the smokes. I am sure your Mom would rest easier knowing that you can avoid the same fate. You know what to do, you came here and we are all here for you.
The habit is relatively new and should not present a great issue. Why not read Allan Carr that i have posted (free) while it is still available. Adjusting the mindset and strengthening your will to complete this journey will put you in good stead.
All the best to you, and i am sure you will have brighter days ahead.
Your mother would absolutely love and support what you are doing M84. She sounded so full of fun too. Your hard work and responsibilities will eventually get easier.
She might value your cheekiness in another form, which you will need to replace; possibly going out for a cheeky breath of fresh air, or a secret cheeky dance in the sun. This will give you the respect for yourself and love and respect for your mother.
Keep on building your resolve for the changes you need to make but don't loose sight of those precious moments of love you shared without involving a cigarette as your celebration together.
So sorry to hear of your agonising story. That's life but you can change the course of yours and take charge. Do it for yourself knowing that Mum would be proud. Mum, no doubt grew up in the days when lighting up was cool. Now, it is anything but cool. It is a lonely path to self destruction as you continue to socially isolate yourself. On this site you will get positive reinforcement.
I M84. I hope all is going well with you. I hope you have been reading stories and getting pumped about becoming a non-smoker once again. Don't forget to set a date! Let us know how you are doing and if we can help. You need not feel alone on this journey and we are all cheering for you!