400 tries to quit

I went to bed New Years Eve, after a shower and sheet change, planning to quit in the morning. I woke up, and my kids were asleep, I was bored and kicked myself but drove to the servo to buy a packet of smokes anyway. I wasn't confident that I was ready, anyway, is how I justified it to myself. No days of deliberations, no buying patches or cutting down only to feel deprived and smoke more. A friend who has successfully quit for several years once told me that I to quit I need to smoke a lot and make myself sick, then Ill never want to smoke again. So that was New Years Day plan, buy a large packet and smoke after smoke after smoke - I felt like vomiting, but still felt like a smoke an hour or so later. No good.

Maybe if I spend all the money on groceries and every possible thing we could need so there is no money for smokes, even if I was desperate - there'd be no money to buy them.

Having recently divorced, and moved into a new house with my boys, I promised them that I only remained a smoker because of the stress of the divorce, then the house sale, then the moving etc. They were tiring of my excuses as I was tiring of inventing them.

Eight years ago I quit for 5 years and loved it, my life was energetic and stress free (sort of). But I'd gained a lot of weight in the process. Eventually, after the first two years, I equalised my weight and enjoyed exercise and outdoors. Feeling strong and indestructible, I sat with my then husband having a glass of wine while he smoked. I thought, I could have a smoke too, I've beaten it once - I'm not hooked anymore. I enjoyed it immensely, the conversation, the relaxing glass of wine, the reminder of the quality time we spent together smoking. I promised him and my kids that I would only smoke Friday afternoons after work with a glass of wine.

You would all know what happened after that. This routine lasted about three weeks, then I craved Friday afternoons, soon added Tuesdays and all weekend. Before too long and about 6 weeks, I was smoking regularly again - even sneaking out during breaks at work for a quick one.

So this year has taught me that I can achieve anything if I set my mind to it. So after several attempts this week, I bought nicotine patches, they worked last time to kick off the 5 years smoke free. I had my last smoke at 10 am yesterday, and so far so good.