Who am I trying to kid?
I've been a smoker for 18 years - half my life. I was always an anti smoker growing up, disgusted by the cigarettes I'd watch my older brother smoke, then one day I became that person I was always disgusted in.
The chance to be cool in my final year of high school saw me take it up, just socially at first, then soon (as the story always goes) I was hooked. I enjoyed it (or at least convinced myself I did) the majority of my friends smoked, it was what we did. We all went to University together. We'd smoke before class, we'd smoke after, we'd smoke on the drive home, we'd smoke while we studied, we smoked while we partied - and, we just smoked for smoking's sake.
The majority of those friends have gone on to get married, have families and quit smoking. There are a few of us though that still do.
My partner and I just celebrated our 13th year together. When we met, my partner was disgusted every time I smoked and encouraged me strongly to quit. I tried repeatedly for years with no success. Each time I failed and started it up again, I'd do everything I could to hide it, and was always caught out. The final straw came with an ultimatum - my partner or the cigarettes. I chose my partner (and the cigarettes). I've hidden it now (even though I'm convinced my partner still knows) for a couple of years. I only smoke at work and I stop smoking early in the day so that I don't smell like smoke when I arrive home. I never keep packets at home. I never smoke in my car. I'm constantly playing cover up. My work colleagues know my story and all have sworn to keep their mouths shut in the event they're ever asked.
[I think because I hide this, and I only have a few hours in the day when I can freely smoke, I smoke so much more in that short space of time than I would have under other cirumstances. I may as well smoke all day given the number I sometimes smoke.]
Whenever my partner and I are invited to social events, I never extend the inviation to my partner - claiming it's a non-partner event, just so I can enjoy a cigarette with them. They all share my secret too. My partner works longer hours than I do, and often travels overseas with work. I love that time - it's the one opportunity I get to smoke at home, enjoy a beer or glass of wine and sit on our deck with a cigarette and enjoy the view we've worked so hard to pay for. I talked myself into not feeling guilty, claiming it's the only 'naughty' vice I have and it's not like I'm cheating. But, it is. I'm lying to my partner and to myself.
I lost my father to cancer a few years ago - he never smoked a cigarette in his life. My older brother (the one whose smoking disgusted me) was diagnosed with cancer at the age I am now (10 years ago) and was treated successfully. He continues to smoke, his health is failing and he refuses to seek medical advice. The writing is on the wall. My mother, who is still grieving the loss of my father is struggling with the prospect of loosing my brother (her son) too. I'm lying to them as well. I judge him for his actions, having recently married and now has a child and ask myself why does he keep smoking, can he not see a future, let alone what this is doing to our mother? A pointless question really since I'm no better than he is. At least he's not covering it up.
So now, my partner is on an extended business trip overseas - both for work and for our own business too. When the trip began, it was like a holiday for me - I could enjoy smoking freely all day at work and I could extend that joy to home too. It started off like that. Two days later I feel like I'm 106, not 36. I've been debating when the right time to quit might be and this week has seen me take action at least (again) something I've not done in years. My chest feels tight, my heart races and for the first time, I'm scared about the damage I've done to my body.
I can't share this journey with anyone. I had the support of my partner once, but not now. I lied and now it's mine to take alone. Failure is solo and success is silent.
Yesterday I bought a nicorette quick mist spray. My first step is to halve the number of cigarettes I smoke. Instead of two with coffee in the morning, I'll have one. Every time I want one, I'll use the mist and skip it and have one the following time a craving hits. When I usaully smoke, I'll have two, sometimes three in succession. I'll cut that in half too. I hope that quickly I'll skip several throughout the day, till eventually, I've quit. I don't smoke on weekends (when my partner is around) nor week nights when he's home. I actually don't associate cigarettes with him.
We took a six week vacation early last year together, I could count the cravings I had during that time on one hand. I know it is possible to quit.
While attempting this, I'm dealing with some major upheavals at work and issues with our personal business. It's probably not the best time to do this, but when is? I don't know what my journey will be like, but I'm being realistic. I'm not going to beat my head against a wall if I slip up. I had one half way through writing this and now I'm sitting here typing feeling tight in the chest.
I had to share my past and present. I hope the future is one not shrouded in lies, and a cloud of smoke.
WOW absolutely incredible. I am so proud of you for getting this off of your chest and thank you so much for sharing. i too hid smoking from my wife (ex now). I kept Scope in my car and would gargle before i went home. I led the lie too. Amazing what this stupid little weed will do to us. I'm not here to judge you but to support you in any endeavour that you choose, so let's get on with it. I'm 6 days off using the patch and relying on the good people here for support. I feel better than i did 6 days ago and people here promise me that i will feel even better than this in as short a time as one more week. I have my confidence up, i read all these stories and take strength from that. You can do it and i am sure there will be more people following me telling you the same thing.
Hi pemac, all you can do is take each day at a time , I was like you and had several with a coffee and in order to get through the first few weeks I had to change my routine, which for me meant not going out on the patio with a coffee and this turned out a bonus as once I stopped I didn't drink hardly any coffee and still don't. I'm now 40 days smoke free and was on champix for first 14 days and then stopped it as it didn't agree with me. Just keep telling yourself it will get better and every day it REALLY does and by 2/3 weeks I was hardly thinking about them. At 6 weeks now and it's very rare that I think about smoking and although I'm not going to get over confident I'm feeling very positive as it is an amazing feeling to get up in the morning and not even think about smoking. All the best to you and look forward to us all helping each other on our quit journeys.
Yes people, stop smoking! It's really that easy, and you love all the benefits that comes with. I quit cold turkey 5 months, and now I feel like I have never smoke before. Just put the cancer sticks down, and forget it! Love yourself by not smoking for a change and see what happens ok ;) you will be amazed. It's the best thing ever! Goodluck to you guys. You can do it. I did.
I have been a non-smoker for 5 days officially today and let me tell ya "it's not as hard as your brain makes you think it is." I love being free from the slavery that is smoking and knowing that (while I might not have completely avoided getting lung cancer) I have certainly reduced the risk tremendously. I have my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ as my main supporter and he believes in us all. The cravings the first 2 days were manageable, but the 3rd day was almost unbearable, and the 4th day was nearly as bad. Today though I feel the most like a non-smoker of any of my previous 3 days obviously, but the cravings are short and sweet. I know you can do it, we can all do anything we put our mind to doing. While it's best to change your routines a little once you've made the decision to quit. Take each craving for what it is and openly acknowledge that it is a craving and you will overcome it. that's helping me and maybe it can help you too. I look at it this way: why are we paying 100's of dollars a year to kill ourselves and put restrictions on what we can and can't do. I know one thing after just 5 short days, I feel free to do whatever I want and go where ever I want without having to make sure I have cigarettes with me or whether I am going to have the money to buy more of them.And I won't be missing anything ever again to go outside and have a cigarette.
Thank you everyone for the encouraging words. The weekend was a disappointment, but a sign of positivity. Our new home attracts friends, those that drink and smoke. Several bottles of wine were had, several cigarettes were had. I'm not trying to justify it, but I smoked far less than what I normally would have. Not because I was making an effort not to, but because I genuinely didn't feel the need as greatly as I once would have had.
I've kept a large glass, with water in it by the front door which I've used as an ashtray all week. It's vile. I've kept it there as a reminder and every time I walk out the front door thinking of smoking I see it. I remind myself that that is how my lungs must look. Most of the time it deters me.
It's a slow and long road. I've smoked half of what I normally would have so far today and the NRT spray is helping. My plan is to leave the packet at work when I leave the office today. Tomorrow morning's first coffee is all I fear by doing this.
Thanks again.