How am I going to do this for good?

I started smoking at a very early age. I still remember the first drag I ever had. My mother was a smoker and I actually used to enjoy the smell of the smoke on her clothing. Weird right? I walked out on to the balcony one afternoon,  and lit up one of her menthol cigarette butts. Out of pure curiosity..  

She seemed to enjoy this, so why wouldn't I? It was awful, made me gag and I felt sick to my stomach. I will never forget that day. I was 11 years old. 

At the age of 13 after on and off smoking mainly to be 'cool' and different. I was hooked.

Big time. 

Oh, how I wish I could go back in time and slap myself stupid for doing this! But no amount of wishing is going to change the fact I am now 32 years of age and still a smoker. 

I should know better. I DO know better. I actually managed to quit. When I relocated and moved to Australia, I quit. When I found out I was pregnant, I quit. Twice. When I just got tired of it one day - I quit.  When I found out I had pre cancerous cells growing in my body. I quit. Cold turkey - then and there. I was off for 8 months. Until the day came, I went in to receive my test result after surgery. The doctor said, and I quote 'unfortunately I cannot give you the all clear at this time. We will have to do another procedure to make sure'. 

 I freaked out. Completely sunk into a depressive and destructive spiral. I was not 'right' in the head at this time. I was angry, at myself. At my doctor. At God. I was angry at everyone and everything. The first thing I did, was drive to the store and pick up a pack of cigarettes. 

I hid my smoking from everyone after this. The last thing I needed was a lecture, I was in a full blown pity mode. Feeling sorry for myself and just thinking 'what the heck is the point'? Might as well just go out doing the one thing I can chose to do. See, smoking was the last thing I had left. (or so I thought at the time) that I had chosen to do! It was my choice to ruin everything, it was my choice to suck on these poison sticks.. no one was going to take that away from me. 

6 months later I finally got the all clear. My test had come back as normal and I was declared 'healthy'. 

I should have been happy right? I wasn't ... I hated myself even more for having started smoking again. I have tried countless times to quit again. Here's the thing.. 

I became a personal trainer. After battling obesity and being almost twice the size I am today, i managed to lose almost 50kg on my own! With a change in my eating habits and crazy amounts of exercise I managed to do this - was smoke free a whole 7 months again. I realised I have a gift. A true talent to motivate and lead people. Determined and always striving to be the best I am proud to say I am one of the best in my field. I have 'been there, done that' so to say. My clients love me and I love them! The passion that drives me to help them become the healthier person they want to be - is still burning strong. But along side that, my cigarettes still burn. 

I hate it! I am constantly warning others of the dangers. Discussing their smoking with their health care providers and how I can help them beat the habit. I feel like such a hypocrite! such a liar!

I should be celebrating the second chance at life I have been given. But I am selfish. I realise this now. I should be leading by example, but I am not. Instead I bleach my finger tips to hide the embarrassing tar stains I have accrued. i change my clothing each time I sneak out the back for a smoke. I should be able to just quit, and be the change I wish to see in the world. But I haven't. 

I will say this though. this has to stop! I am going to do this, in 6 days I plan on being free once again. Smoke free, being able to smell and taste things the way I used to. Work out without feeling like passing out. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired!!! I am going to do this! I will never again look back. 

This will be the seventh time I have quit in my life. And this time, it is going to be for good. 

I know my story is a bit all over the place here. But I have only just recently realised, I have so much more to live and be thankful for than I ever allowed myself to believe before! I will not beat myself up over the past anymore, I can't change the things that have been. But I can change who I am now! The right now! And this time, I will succeed! 

I have read so many of your stories, your tips and tricks. I have laughed and cried with many of you. The triggers, like a cup of coffee... Other people smoking around you, a nice dinner, I can relate. Because I am still stuck in the midst of it. But no more I say! I have a very stressful couple of weeks coming up. But my aim is to be 'clean' as I step foot in my advanced first aid class on the 28th of July. My goal is to be able to get through my practical assessment finals at school and receive my diploma SMOKE FREE! 

And I know, that I can do this! 

I am so happy I found this forum and hope writing all this out, promising not only myself - but also to you all - that this is going to be done. You have inspired me! 

So thank you, for sharing .. for reading this. But most of all, for helping me realise - this can be done! I don't need this! I don't even want this anymore! I need to grab a hold of this chance to quit while I still can! 

/rooroo